Hey. Its been a while. I’ve found myself thinking about you a lot recently, now that all I have is nothing but time to think. You always used to steal my thoughts in the depths of night, but these days I feel you around me even when the sun is shining. I hear your laugh in the trees as they dance in the breeze, I sense you around every corner. You’ve visited me in my dreams a lot lately, you must sense I’ve needed you. You were always so good at that, better than anyone else I’ve ever met. And as much as I adore seeing your smile once again, its always so bittersweet to wake up.

Sometimes I like to pretend that you’re still here. That I’m just a couple hundred miles away and you’re excelling at life as we always planned. You have a garden, and a dog and I could easily just drop by to see you. We’d drink copious amounts of tea and catch up on each other’s crazy lives. You’d ramble on about your job and how badly you want to quit because we’d both know you should be running your own business, and I’d tell you all about the amazing places around the world my work has taken me. It’s been five years now. That’s one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six days without you. And it still doesn’t get any easier.

I used to think that the grief of losing you would eat away at me until there was nothing left, but I was wrong. Grief isnt the darkness that haunts me, grief is really just, love. Its all the love I wish I could give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers in the corners of my eyes, the lump in my throat and in the hollow part of my chest. Grief is just love, but with nowhere to go. You learn to cope with it, you find new places and ways to share that love, but it never really goes away.

I hope to keep dreaming of you. I hope to keep seeing you when i need you the most. To see your comforting smile and to hear some form of your voice. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to stay there with you, in a world where you never left, a world where nothing hurts like losing you does.

In other dreams, if you see the person I used to be, can you tell her that I’d like to find her? If you find the shell that’s left of me, can you spare her a little kindness and guide her through to you? I’ve tried everything and anything but between the madness and the apathy, nothing seems to work quite like it should.

Love and miss you as always x