🌻

People often mistake the meaning of intimacy. Its about truth. When you realise you can tell someone the truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you can stand in front of them and bare your soul, and their response is “you’re safe with me”; that’s intimacy.

We look for a kind of connection people write stories about, the kind you never think you’ll find again in one lifetime. Baring your soul becomes easy, and knowing them is like reading your favourite book, one new chapter at a time. We chase the ones with sunflower souls; the ones who always chase the light no matter how dark it gets.

Those ‘once in a lifetime’ people, they never ask you to be perfect. They never ask you to be anyone but your true authentic self. They’ll provide comfort for you to show the parts of you that hurt the most, in order to know where to love you the hardest.

Maybe no one will see it, maybe everyone will, but because of them, flowers are able to bloom in our hearts again. And just like the sunflowers do when the sun is missing, they find each other, and allow the other to chase the light, especially when it seems the darkest outside 🌻

Will you?

You took my smile as easily as you gave it. And just because I carry it well, doesnt mean it’s not heavy.

So I ask those that I love; will they hold my hand for a little while? I dont need them to save me, nor to fix anything. I have no need for them to hold my pain as their own. I sometimes do not even need their words or their thoughts, nor even their shoulders to carry me, but I ask them to sit here with me for a while. Whilst my tears stream, whilst my heart shatters, whilst my mind plays its tricks. I ask for their presence to let me know that I am not alone whilst I wander.

My darkness is mine to face, my pain is mine to feel and my wounds are my own to heal. But I ask, for them to sit with me a while, whilst I courageously show up for it all. Because of my darkness, I am bright. The brokenness brings beauty. My tender heart brings strength. But again I ask, will they take my hand when I sometimes journey into the dark? I dont ask for them to take the darkness away, I dont expect for them to be the sun, and I don’t believe that they can mend my pain. But I would surely love, for them to sit a while, and hold my hand as I find my way out of the shadows.

So will you hold my hand until I return again?

Deafening Silence

It’s impossible to unlace my heartstrings from yours. How do I untangle a connection authored by the stars? I didnt just lose you once, I lost you over and over. When the loss is momentarily forgotten, a fresh wave of grief can hit so unexpectedly. Every time my eyes open to a new dawn, that’s another sunrise without you. Every time they close, the sun sets, or a new moon, that’s one you wont see. I not only lost you, I lost a version of us that will never be, a version of me that i’ll never become, and entire life that should have been. Yes I lost you, but in a million different ways.

This pain is like a loneliness, encompassed in hopelessness and despair. Its a scream that lives inside of me that only I can hear. As long as it never escapes then I still have control of everything around me. But the scream has different ideas. If I have a moment of happiness, the scream will heighten its volume, adding an extra layer of guilt within me, something to protect.

There are times when my inner demons get the best of me, and they’re loud. In the midst of the noise, I long for the deafening silence. Whilst trying to calm the irrational thoughts, I ache for simplicity. The surrounding echoes bring a sense of aimless wandering, feeling so lost that my heart doesn’t even feel at home in my chest. There’s a feeling of wanting to be alone, but wanting someone’s comfort in the silence.

I dont know when everything will feel okay again, I dont know where this life is headed. I dont know if tomorrow will be the best day or the worst. I dont know how to get rid of the ghosts that haunt me at 2am, but I don’t know, maybe that’s the point. Maybe there’s hope in the mystery. Maybe there’s hope as the sun rises each morning.

So here I am, surviving what I thought I never could. There are days, even weeks where it’s still overwhelming and full of sorrow, but I’m here. I’m making it through, even if it means crawling on my knees, I’m here.

Navigating Life

I walk side by side with grief, carrying life’s remains under a darkened sky. I’ve come to realise recently that I’m not only grieving a loss but parts that I’ve lost within myself. I sometimes ask grief when it will leave, and when the sun will decide to brightly encompass me again, but there never seems to be an answer.

Nobody told me how often I would see your face then blink, and see another instead. Nobody told me how I would catch glimpses of my old self before retracting in to the shell I have become. Nobody told me that remembering the feeling of your hands around my throat would make me gasp for breath or remembering the sound of your voice would keep me awake at night. Nobody told me that my nightmares would become an unforgiving reality.

Navigating this minefield of unpredictability whilst being in a state of hyper-vigilance always leads to prolonged suffering. In turn, I am bound to a profound state of isolation and loneliness. There are days where I feel like this weight is one I cannot release, enveloped in thick fog, unable to see any light in the distance. This loneliness is different to any other, its a hollowness that echoes within the absence of hope.

How is it possible to put into words the difficulty of rediscovering the person you once were before the broken parts took over? Am I just being lazy? Unmotivated? Stuck in a continuous loop of healing just to wake up at rock bottom again? Or have I just been living life in survival mode for so long that it’s become my exhausting normality.

How does someone measure bravery? In medals and titles? In tales of heroes and villains? Is it braver to shed tears in the silence or admit that you’re falling apart? I think the bravest thing i ever did was choosing to continue living, when everything inside me wanted to stop.

I have come to understand why people take flight from bridges, why bottles become places of worship, why people don’t dare put words to their struggles. Because trying to put everything into one sentence, one conversation, seems so small and insignificant, whilst all the while, everything on the inside is an entire sea of confusion and pain.

Being so self aware is so emotionally exhausting, as is being a witness to my own demise.

The Night Sky

You always loved the stars. We shared a love for them together. The vastness of space and time made us feel a little less lonely out there in the world. The deep, velvet skies reminded us of the boundless possibilities that exist beyond our reach. Shining with timeless brilliance, a testament to the enduring beauty and misery of the universe.

Within each star, is a story. Just as each person we meet in our journey has their own unique tale. We too, were like the stars; connected by invisible threads, adding light to each other’s worlds. Just as the stars enlighten the darkest skies, those we hold dear brighten our lives, guiding us through moments of uncertainty and pain.

The silence has been heavy recently, the weight of absence, the ache of memories shared. Though, through the darkness within me, in the midst of emotional tempest, I feel glimpses of light. Even these days in the most profound sadness, there are paths back to hope, illuminated by those precious moments and the comfort a starry night.

The glistening lights eternal and unwavering bring inspiration to cherish those we love, as I am reminded of our place in the universe and the intricate web of connections that binds us all. No matter where on our journey these connections are made, they were always written in those same stars. A constellation of memories past and future, all tucked and hidden away for those times when needed the most.

Now I talk to the sky, hoping you’re there listening. Because you always loved the stars. Its funny how they seemed to shine a little brighter when you decided to join them.

;

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy, because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that” – Robin Williams

Thoughts in Time

Hello you. Its been a while since I’ve written to you but I know you’ve still been around. I’ve felt you in the depths of night, in the warm light of day.

It’ll soon be nine years since you left, nine years of life without you. How quickly does life pass by when you have no choice but to keep moving forward? So here I am, greeting the robins you send me, counting the feathers you drop. Tracing the rainbows you draw all whilst realising that this is a new chapter for us. We aren’t done quite yet, its different and difficult but it’s something. Some days I feel like I’m honouring your memory and making you proud, but on others, I feel heavy with heartache and completely lost in this world without you. There are days where the melancholy surrounds me, where my mind is heavy, my words fail. There is pain that you will never know, caused by the absence of you.

The sadness these days grows bigger, quicker and any cries for help suddenly turn into whispers. The monsters in my head grow stronger and louder and it’s much harder to escape them. Now I’m shedding silent tears into rivers because you didn’t swim back up. I guess your ocean was so deep no one could reach you without drowning, even after I dived in not knowing whether I would sink or swim.

Recently I’ve become entangled with heartache. A shell of my old self, a ghost in my own presence. My eyes become windows to my soul, surrounded in a world left by you. Sleepless nights have crept back without notice and I spend almost all of my time feeling like i’m falling further and further away from the light. I’ve become a master of deception but it leaves me feeling like everything I do is a lie, as every day I’m the shoulder to cry on, the one to make others laugh if they need it. Does that make me an imposter in my own skin?

But just as quickly as the sadness grows, so do the fond memories of you. They are no longer intertwined with anger or pain, they flood my mind with serenity, and for brief moments, I am able to walk down memory lane with you. Its one of my favourite places to be, as we get to walk side by side as if nothing else in the world matters. But of course, I cant stay there forever, and reality drags me back kicking and screaming.

Sometimes, for brief moments, i wish death would come for me. Quietly and peacefully, so then all the pain and heartache would be lost as my soul drifts away. Would I be reunited with you? But what for all the pain and heartache that would remain? For those who show me so much love and compassion. Those who bring me strength and comfort in my darkest times. The ones who pull me out of the waters when the tides are suffocating. The suffering caused by the loss of you is enough to hurry the thoughts away.

So instead, I will continue to walk with you, until my heart feels less heavy. I will bask in our memories until my time comes to settle with you there on Memory Lane.

Love always 💛

Release

The people we’ve lost seem stuck in a time that we’re unable to get to, no matter how hard we try. Its like being in a constant battle with time, but always being on the losing side. But what happens when you lose yourself? When you no longer have the energy or strength to dance in your own storm, so it washes you away.

You know, they say once the heart gets too heavy with pain, there are no tears to cry. They just turn quiet, desperately silent. I keep thinking this heartbreak shouldn’t still hurt as much as it does, but I’m still counting these bullet wounds from trying to get over losing you. The heaviness spreads, day to day, until when I think too much about it, I cant breathe. I guess death is not the greatest loss in life, the greatest loss is the part of us that dies whilst we’re still allowed to live. Carefully counterbalancing the scales with remembering that there will come a time that I will have to remember you for longer than I got to know you. And though you may not make it to the end of my story, I’ll always remember which chapters included you.

I’ve had to learn to let go of you little by little, piece by piece, because that way it makes it just that little bit easier. Letting go of you all at once was a task too big to comprehend, but even I know its one that must be faced. These days when I dream of you, you sometimes seem sad, staring at me, almost through me. I used to think it was because you were angry, disappointed with me for not saving you; but recently, I’ve started to think that maybe you look sad because I’ve trapped myself in the past with you, instead of moving forward into the future. Maybe you feel sorry for me. Even I feel sorry for me some days, and though I find myself moving on through life, sometimes even the strongest of people need someone to hold their hand and tell them it’s going to be ok.

But what am I afraid of? That if I move on, maybe one day I’ll find myself back enduring pain like this? Having to feel so broken for so long it all blends into one? Is it easier to stay in this constant lull, that way when it gets harder, I’m already halfway there? Or that I’ll never feel this level of sadness and pain again? Grief is only as deep as the love it’s replaced and if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

But your chapter in my book is over, and i cannot torture myself by rereading it over and over again hoping for a different ending. I’ve found that in the silence, it’s almost necessary to let things go more than I have been, simply for the reason that they are heavy. And in that silence, I now finally understand the many ways a person can die, but still be alive.

Love always x

Always

We accept the love that we think we deserve. And if someone believes that you deserve more, and they take the time to try and show you that, that’s special, but what if you dont think you deserve it? I guess the very thing that distinguishes us is that you wouldn’t have hesitated to choose me in every lifetime, but I am unable to even choose myself in this one. And although you gave me every part of you, I cannot be loved into loving myself. So there you were basking in the love you have for me and here I am pleading for a droplet of the same love, or whatever I could salvage, from my own heart. But there comes a time where even you must agree and recognise that to grieve hurts a lot less than to try to love a part of me that you cannot control or understand. Maybe I’m not the one if all I do is cause hurt and pain. Is this supposed to feel like dying over and over? Surely the one that brings a storm cannot also give sunshine. Protecting you from the inevitable thunderstorm was my main purpose, so why do I feel like I still miserably failed? Sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it’s killing us to let go.

You’re some of my favourite photos that I cant bare to delete. An imprinted memory that hurts to let go of, because in you I found someone I lost some time ago. Recently I find myself wondering what it would’ve been like if I had allowed myself to be loved by you. Let go of my fears of being vulnerable and not filter all my feelings, because nothing is ever so black and white. A part of me feels lost, forever searching for the right words to say even though my mind is constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of you. Late night walks alone dont silence them or others any longer, and I can’t sleep because when I do I dream, and I don’t want to. The dreams are always so bittersweet, giving false pretences of what life could have been. One more walk, one more look, one more chance at life. I guess my hope is that if we add up the “one mores”, they would equate to a lifetime, and I’ll never have to get to the part where you’re no longer there. But sadly that’s not real is it? There aren’t any “one mores”. Now that the conversations are over and there’s nothing but silence, we lay with steaming empty guns aching for one more bullet, one more shot. I was never able to say the words but never did I not love you. But what do we do when we love someone but also feel we cant go on? Wanting to steal glances or hear your voice but knowing if I do I wont be able to stop or look away. I feel like I’ve met you in a hundred different lifetimes, and I just hope that at least one of them got it right.

And if I ever lose this battle I seem to have with myself daily, I want you to know that there’s nothing more you could have done. You saw when I was crying on the inside. You saw the rainclouds when I was trying to be everyone’s sunshine. When I was checking up on everyone around me, making sure they were still standing, you recognised I was falling to my knees. I get so lonely and so low that I barely feel like I’m even breathing, and even on times when you felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, you were there to get me through each day, always. But you can rest now, you no longer need to burden your mind with saving me from the monsters in my head. I wish for you to find all the happiness you deserve and more. I will forever be indebted to you, always. And as you said, always is a long time.

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Being broken, but saying everything’s fine; sound familiar? As much as you want to be truthful, feeling they wouldn’t believe you if they knew the things that crossed your mind. Miles of oceans filled with beautiful lies, but even you know it would be crazy to think rainstorms end in shines.

Isn’t it funny how the fear of being perceived as a failure or weak is so strong, that you’d rather pretend everything is ok? And as long as you say the right thing and act the right way then people are happy, because they feel the burden is no longer on them. Fighting for most of your life, hiding away not feeling that comfort you so desperately crave. Feeling at one with the silence. It’s like screaming but nobody can hear it. Like you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important you feel like nothing without them.

How draining it is to still be healing from the things we dont talk about. A type of loneliness that shatters your heart. The type that caused you scars you don’t show, some that have now healed on your skin but are still embedded deep in your mind.

What a struggle it’s becoming to hide how damaged you may have become. Craving for someone to call you out, tell you they know you’re lying when you say you’re fine. For someone to look into your eyes and see the pain you’re hiding. Feeling like such a burden you almost want to apologise for even existing. Because saying it’s fine doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

How exhausting it is to feel everything and nothing all at once. To feel such pain and hurt and such emptiness and numbness at the same time. Pain, of any kind, changes people. It makes them trust less, think more and shut everyone out. I’ve always had a tendency to push away when someone pulls me in, then I helplessly wonder why people think I’m hard to reach. I only show parts of me that are safe, the parts I can control but then I lie awake at night for hours running circles in my mind, wondering why I make myself so unattainable. Do I already know the answers? Have all my insecurities finally beat me and made me impossible to love? Is it because I do everyone wrong and make them bleed? I seem to have hidden my truest and deepest feelings so well, I’ve forgotten where I placed them.

One day, you wake up and without thinking, you’ll be getting on with your day. Pottering around, completing all the tasks that need to be done, but then within a few hours it’ll hit you. Like a ton of bricks falling from above, like the sky’s come crashing down and all you feel is a weight crushing your chest. It gets harder and harder to breathe, as if the air has gotten thinner, and your lungs no longer work. On other days, you wake up like it. Feeling completely alone and defeated, as if all you deserve is to be miserable and totally and completely exhausted. People say the 3am thoughts are dangerous, but what about the ones at 3pm? The ones that flush your mind when you’re trying to go about your daily routine, but you can’t because darkness it hitting you like a hurricane and you can’t pretend to be ok anymore. It becomes impossible to express the mess your mind has become. Feeling so broken you don’t think anyone would believe you if you allowed them to see what’s running through your mind.

I’m losing myself again. Please pull me out of this train wreck. My head is in a constant fog, and the wind seems to be picking up causing quite the storm. Make the rain stop drowning me in nothing but my own thoughts. When I say that I am okay, I do not mean the kind of okay you think I do. I mean the kind of okay where every day, every moment is a struggle. I mean the kind of okay where even just breathing becomes the most difficult of tasks. I mean the kind of okay where smiles are plastered on forcefully, where laughs are faker than the people around me. Where happiness is nothing but a distant dream and sadness is but the blanket that comforts me. I mean the kind of okay which in fact, isn’t okay at all. If only you were here to save me like you did when we were young.

Truth

Every next level of your life will demand a different you, but does that mean you leave the other versions of you behind? You can’t outrun your past no matter how hard you try, it will always catch up to you. It’s the same as how we can’t drown our demons, because they know how to swim. They know how to keep us awake into the depths of the night, because that’s when we’re the most alone. That’s when the darkness almost feels familiar, and you feel it deep inside of you. There’s so much nothing, you could get lost in it, and every sound or word or voice is just background noise that you can’t quite place.

Isn’t it funny how it’s possible for the mind to be racing and a body to be physically shaking whilst also feeling so numb and empty? Every heartbeat feels like a punch to the throat, and every breath feeling like it burns my lungs. But it’s also as if I’m drowning, and when my head is underwater, that’s when I can finally breathe. Being overwhelmed with a feeling of such sadness it suffocates me like a weight crushing my chest. It hurts.

What if this is what I deserve? What if this is how life is meant to be, and this is it? What if I’m supposed to hide behind humour, fake smiles and monotonous false replies to the question “are you ok?”. I don’t want the world to see me, not the version of me that’s broken. The real me.

I sometimes feel I’m made of glass, stained with memories from the past. And as the cracks form one by one, I’m rushing around trying to fix them, to stop myself from crumbling all together. Am I broken? Am I flawed? Or am I just another lost cause trying to find the missing pieces that already broke along the way?

Now I understand why storms are named after people. I ruin everything that’s beautiful and wonderful and leave a trail of destruction behind, but for some reason you still think i’m worth saving. Everything inside of me believes its about time you say that you hate me, because I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I wonder everyday if I’m even still worthy to hold on to, or would it just be easier to let me go. Do I even deserve a shred of worth? Would I be missed if you let me go? Or would you feel at peace for all the chaos would finally be over, for I know simply that the sky will last longer than I.

Echoing Conversations

Just like how the sandy beaches cant help but collide with the waves, I couldnt help but collide with you. Before we met, I’d look at the sky and there was always an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, of being awake but never alive, a feeling of being so utterly lost in this world. But you found me and brought me a sense of worth and meaning. You brought back all the colours into my life. You were gentle, and kind, and you showed me that it was possible for someone to love me more than I hated myself. You listened without judgement and guided me through the dark every time I crumbled. You saw my pain, you peered through my tired eyes and looked into my soul; you always did say a person’s eyes were a giveaway to how they really feel. But I was so blindly engrossed, your suffering grew beyond your control and you faded away.

Since the day you left, that loneliness grows a little stronger by every thought or mention of your name. So much so, that I catch myself purposely avoiding saying it, just so I can hold on to you for a little longer, as if overusing it will wear it out. It’s as if every now and then there is less air in the world, and it becomes harder and harder to breathe. I’ve almost become jealous of the old version of myself, the one who got to spend time in your company. Why is it that we must completely fall apart in order for someone to understand how hard we were trying to keep it all together?

During the deepest parts of the night I feel myself in a constant battle with anxiety, willing myself to keep control. You were always there with a shoulder when I needed it, a hand to hold, a calm voice to keep me steady. You were always with me when I was hurting, when sleep just wasn’t possible, or when nights seemed so long and full of dread, and I will forever be so thankful of that, because you understood. You understood my pain and my heartbreak. Even though I’m older now and should be better equipped to deal with the past, I know that I never would have made it without you. Now that you’re gone, I feel scared of losing that control. The words “I’m just tired” are said so often I almost start to believe my own lie, and that maybe I am just overworked and under rested. When in fact, I try to downplay everything because I dont want to sound like I’m complaining too much. The honest truth? I’m falling apart without you.

Recently the days keep feeling heavier and heavier, and the urge to drive away and not look back has become greater. Every morning there’s a split second as I wake, when there’s a glimmer of hope that it’ll be a better day, but it quickly disappears when the dark cloud returns to take away the idea of sunlight. Sometimes I wish certain people could read my thoughts, so they could see what I’m too scared to admit or say. But then what would they think of me? When they see what I see and feel what I feel. Would they think me insane? Would they be disappointed that I once again have fallen into the trap that is my own mind, after working so hard to get out the last time? Instead it’s easier to stay silent. When there’s silence, that’s when it hurts the most. Feeling tongue tied, but screaming on the inside. Because sometimes the things that cause the most pain are the things that are the hardest to put into words. So I try my hardest to remove the sadness; But how can you remove sadness when you don’t know where it ends and I begin?

It almost feels like fighting to live in a body, battling every single day to survive, against a mind that’s working it’s hardest against you. I guess that’s how you felt too, and the battle became one you could no longer fight. I guess I’m fighting it for the both of us now. And with each passing day I know you’re with me, holding on, trying to guide me through to the other side. I just hope each day might bring a brighter tomorrow.

Love and miss you as always x

2am Questions

What if we could cut all ties with the morning light? Just so we have a little more time to appreciate what we leave behind in the dark each time the sun rises. What would it be like to know that the night could last forever, just for a moment? Maybe then we’d greet darkness as an old friend, and embrace the loneliness it brings. But secrets in the dark are always felt with such heartache, will echoes of comfort even suffice?

How long must we fall before we are able to climb? How long must we be forsaken wonderers following our own paths to nowhere before we find the way home? Will we be able to beat the clouds as they come rolling in or just let the rain win? Maybe walking in the downpour will allow us to feel something other than forgotten or broken.

What would it be like to sit in the sun as it rises, look at the world and never have to think; Am I enough? To bask in its warmth without any feeling of regret or woe. Allowing it to fill every inch of you, consume you in ways you never thought possible, and find the happiness that everyone swears exists, but yet you still haven’t been able to find.

Why does any glimpse of happiness always seem to come at a cost? Finding the smallest speck of light during a dusky night can bring the glint of hope you so desperately need, only for you to feel like you’re head’s above the water but you still cant even breathe. How far on your way to learning how to swim will you be before you feel the weight of the current drag you under again?

Do we take the road less travelled or keep coasting on autopilot? Would either road lead to where our hearts are anyway? Or are they buried so deep that nobody could ever find them or claim them? Are we protecting our hearts from heartache or just denying ourselves of any future possibility of the happiness we’re all trying to find?

Answers on a postcard

A Letter To You

Hey. Its been a while. I’ve found myself thinking about you a lot recently, now that all I have is nothing but time to think. You always used to steal my thoughts in the depths of night, but these days I feel you around me even when the sun is shining. I hear your laugh in the trees as they dance in the breeze, I sense you around every corner. You’ve visited me in my dreams a lot lately, you must sense I’ve needed you. You were always so good at that, better than anyone else I’ve ever met. And as much as I adore seeing your smile once again, its always so bittersweet to wake up.

Sometimes I like to pretend that you’re still here. That I’m just a couple hundred miles away and you’re excelling at life as we always planned. You have a garden, and a dog and I could easily just drop by to see you. We’d drink copious amounts of tea and catch up on each other’s crazy lives. You’d ramble on about your job and how badly you want to quit because we’d both know you should be running your own business, and I’d tell you all about the amazing places around the world my work has taken me. It’s been five years now. That’s one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six days without you. And it still doesn’t get any easier.

I used to think that the grief of losing you would eat away at me until there was nothing left, but I was wrong. Grief isnt the darkness that haunts me, grief is really just, love. Its all the love I wish I could give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers in the corners of my eyes, the lump in my throat and in the hollow part of my chest. Grief is just love, but with nowhere to go. You learn to cope with it, you find new places and ways to share that love, but it never really goes away.

I hope to keep dreaming of you. I hope to keep seeing you when i need you the most. To see your comforting smile and to hear some form of your voice. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to stay there with you, in a world where you never left, a world where nothing hurts like losing you does.

In other dreams, if you see the person I used to be, can you tell her that I’d like to find her? If you find the shell that’s left of me, can you spare her a little kindness and guide her through to you? I’ve tried everything and anything but between the madness and the apathy, nothing seems to work quite like it should.

Love and miss you as always x

Love

Who wrote the book on goodbyes? Because there’s never been a way to make it easy. A broken heart can make you suffer a kind of pain you’ve never felt before, and it can cause your soul to be completely speechless hanging in a pause. It can feel like it’s has been ripped out and stamped on a thousand times, and you’re left picking up the pieces and trying to put yourself back together again. It may feel like that process takes forever, because every time you think you’ve put a piece back in the right place, it doesn’t feel like it, and you have to start over. If that’s how you’re feeling at this moment, then I can honestly say, this pain does not last forever. You will pick up every last broken piece, and you will find the place where it fits.

As your heart heals, so does your soul. And as all the feelings and emotions are pouring out of you, let them. Just let them pour. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, even the clouds rain when they feel heavy. And when the world starts to look less grey, and all the colours start to return, you will feel yourself starting to let go of some feelings. Moving on doesnt mean you forget about things, it just means you have to accept what happened and continue living. Because what is life if isn’t worth living?

Finding love again can be a scary thought. It can be nerve wracking and exciting all at once. But love is too beautiful to keep hidden in a closet, so let it shine as bright as the day is new. Bask in the new light it brings and let it fill you with the warmth you’ve been missing for all that time. If you feel it, don’t let it burn out. Allow them to become the person your eyes will look for in a sea of people. The person you cant stop thinking about when you’re surrounded by people who aren’t them. Fall in love with someone who’s comfortable with your silence. Someone who doesn’t need your words to know it’s time to kiss you. Don’t shield yourself from loving them just because you’re scared of another heartache, because a person who truly values you would never put themselves in a position to lose you. Two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.

So go, get lost in beautiful places and let yourself feel love again, because love too has to be learned. Let someone help grow flowers even in the saddest parts of you, because however small and fragile the might be, they still bring life. Whoever said the small things dont matter has never seen a match start a wildfire

The Mind

Thinking is human nature. We get tunnel vision and only see the things that support our preconceived notions of ourselves. In the words of perks of being a wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” We see what we want to see, we believe what we want to hear, but do we feel what we want to feel? There is no control over where our mind goes, be it at 2pm on a sunny Friday afternoon or at 2am in the depths of the night. There is no way of making yourself feel something, or nothing for that matter. Sometimes, there’s just nothing. You reach inside, trying to pull out the words to make it all pretty, but fail miserably. The silence is the worst part, it soothes you and kills you and saves you all at once, but if you unclench your hands and let it all go, you fear you’ll have nothing left to say.

When certain thoughts don’t leave you alone, it can be exhausting. It feels like there’s a constant cloud hanging over you, on the verge of rain. But maybe walking in the rain will allow you to drown in something other than your own thoughts. People say “if you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop until you get it”, but how does that work in matters of the heart? We get the most confused when we try to convince our heads something our hearts know is a lie. From then on, its a spiral. A never ending battle between a million thoughts all at the same time. Your anxiety rises, you feel your soul plummet back into that silence, aching for someone just to hold you and bring you back.

If you ever want to know the truth about how someone feels, look into their eyes. People have developed an outstanding ability to deceive even the closest ones to them, but the eyes never lie. They allow you to see the sadness and exhaustion behind someone’s smile, especially on those days where the melancholy settles like a change in the weather. The kind of sadness that is intangible. Like the presence of an ache where you cant pinpoint exactly where it hurts, you just know it does. Your heart cries but your eyes remain dry.

I guess the upside of being able to hide pain so well is how easy it is to see it in others. So much so that you tend to forget all about how your head and your heart set one another on fire, because you’re focused on fixing the problem you see in front of you. So maybe be the person you needed to sit with you in silence, to listen to your thoughts or just hold you whilst you cried. Be the person that asks the difficult questions because chances are, you’ll get an honest answer. Be the one who asks how they’re eating and sleeping and functioning from day to day. Be that person, be the one you wished you had. Be a better you. Maybe then they’ll notice, and catch your soul before it shatters.

Colours

You were red, and you liked me because I was blue. I gave you all the opportunities in the world to choose me, I gave myself to you in a way I never had before. I got so lost in the darkness of your eyes and the melody of your voice; the kindness of your heart and the purity of you soul. Loving you was red and fiery. It was like feeling the wind as I fell through a free fall, like autumn colours before they lose their vibrance. You brought so much joy into my life, I wanted to bask in your light forever. So many of us fear tomorrow and regret yesterday, but when I was with you I never feared tomorrow; I was yours, and never regretted yesterday because one yesterday, we met. Being with you was like realising all I ever wanted was right there in front of me. You knew every part of me, and knowing you was as easy as knowing all the words to my favourite song.

But then I got lost. I didn’t know where you began and where I ended. I was so lost in you that I forgot about myself; I forgot to love myself the way I loved you. You became the best part of me, when I needed to be. I put everything into loving you at a time when I needed to love myself. When you left, I was lost. Losing you was blue, the kind of sky blue that appears just before a storm.

Lost in the fact that your lips could utter the words ‘goodbye’. The same lips that told me they loved and needed me. The same lips that broke down my walls and shattered my cold heart to let me love again after I had decided that falling in love just wasnt worth it. The lips I kissed a thousand times over now seemed like strangers, and the words they said difficult to understand.

Missing you was dark grey, under a constant cloud of sadness. It was like trying to change the puzzle even though I already had all the answers. Trying to get you out of my mind never worked, as you always creeped back in just a little stronger each time. Forgetting you was like trying to know someone I’d never met, trying to forget all the promises and words of love we spoke. I was told to always trust the over-thinker that says they love you, because they have, most assuredly thought of all the reasons not to. For you, I guess I became a reason.

You were my red, and I was your blue. The way you looked at me and made me feel suddenly turned me into the beautiful lilac sky, then you just decided that purple wasn’t really for you.

A Letter to My Best Friend

Hey. I miss you. It’s four years today since you left, and I cant believe time’s flown by so quickly. I’m sorry its taken me so long to write to you, I’ve often gone to do so but words always fail me. But today I sense I need to, because I don’t feel you around as much anymore. Each year this day comes and goes, and my heart breaks every time, wishing you were still here. After you left, I still felt you around me. Heard your voice in the wind, saw your silhouette in every shadow, expected to see you around every corner. But recently I’ve been so lost inside my own mind that I forgot to think about your presence. Its the worst part of losing someone, life just simply goes on. Life has gone on without you; it doesnt feel right, yet time stops for no one. So please forgive me.

I’ve asked you for forgiveness numerous times over these past four years, starting with the night you left, and every day since. Asking you to forgive me for not being there, for not getting to you fast enough. After that I was so angry for so long. Angry at myself for not being the person you needed me to be, but also angry at you for leaving. For leaving me behind and making me feel grief like I’ve never felt before. The kind that took my breath away every time I thought of you, the kind that made every happy memory I had of us disappear under a heavy cloud of pain and anger. It felt like there was no air left in the world, and then all of a sudden I was so tired of trying to breathe. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had. And now without you, I feel like whenever I fall apart, I do it without anyone noticing. Its the worst kind of sad. The kind where you try to ignore it but then it gets so bad that one day you just break down. Nothing feels right anymore, and you lose yourself. It can occur so very quietly as if it was nothing, and no other loss can happen so silently. I didn’t mean to be so angry with you, so please, forgive me.

There’s no one else in the world like you. No other soul among the 8 billion out there on this earth, is as tightly bound to me as yours. You were so patient and kind and honest, and you were always there, even when I pushed you away. Isnt it the most ironic thing that you’re the one I need to help me get over losing you? Sometimes I get so scared about letting someone close to me, because I dont want to get attached and then feel the pain of them leaving. I dont like the way you left, the way we said goodbye. I dont like that you were alone and scared, and I wasn’t there. So please, forgive me.

I still talk to your parents often, and I go see them whenever I can, but I know I should do more. Your mum of course, says it’s ok and she understands, but I wish things were different. Whenever I’m with them I feel so close to you; I wish I could feel that all the time. I came to see you a few weeks ago, brought you some fresh flowers, sat with you a while. I miss talking like we used to, I miss your voice, your laugh. I miss your wise words of wisdom and your judgemental face whenever I did something you warned me not to, but then the warmth of your smile as you comforted me. That’s what I miss the most about you, the way you always knew what to say, how no matter what was going on in your world you always had the time to stop mine from crumbling. So much so that yours broke unnoticed. So please, forgive me.

Losing you is one of the hardest things that’s happened to me, and every day is harder than the last because it’s another day without you. I always think and wonder where you’d be now if you were still here, what you’d be doing, who you would’ve become. And I know you would’ve been as amazing as ever, trying to fix everyone who you found to be hurting. We used to talk about our futures as if we had forever and a day, and even though our forever ended that day, I still carry you with me always, and I will always love you. But I will never love you as much as I miss you, so please, forgive me.

Speak soon 💛

Waves

Ever stayed up all night talking to someone? You soon come to understand that people are a different form of themselves at 3am compared to the person they are at 3pm. The silence and darkness of the night almost acts like a comfort blanket, lulling you into a secure feeling of confidentiality. It’s as if being in the depths of the night allows you to be whoever you want to be, you’re able to take off the mask and allow yourself to be vulnerable for a while. But there’s still the sound of your heartbeat filling the silence, because even though you feel sightly safer, there’s still that worry that someone might like you less when they’ve seen what its like inside of you. As if they’ll see you as a different person, and it reminds you that deep in every human lives a crippling feeling of anxiety over the possibility of being alone in the world.

People always leave. Its an assumption that means you’re never disappointed, because you expect it all along. But then again it always tears you apart when it happens over and over again. You can love someone so much, but you can never love someone as much as you miss them. You’ll allow them to go on cutting your heart into smaller and smaller pieces for as long as they want, because it means that you dont have to face the loneliness of being without them just yet. But love isnt something you have to deserve, its not something that has to be earned. Love is love. Love is waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that person beside you sleeping, and feeling that the world isnt as lonely anymore. Its watching the sun go down on a beach and feeling its warmth until it sets, and then looking up at the stars until it rises again. Just because your heart is broken it doesnt mean you cant still love with it. You can love so much that it almost seems like it’s in once piece again.

Always remember that just because someone looks happy doesnt necessarily mean they are. Even a white rose has a black shadow. Before finding a soul mate, you must first find your soul, and you must learn to accept that broken heart inside of you, learn to love it. The mistake is thinking you need someone else to save you, when in fact all you need is someone to stand by your side whilst you save yourself. Because pain is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes its overwhelming. Unfortunately all we can do is learn how to swim. But there’s an ancient Chinese proverb, about an invisible red thread that links those destined to be connected despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. The thread can be tightened or tangled, but will never be broken. So throw yourself into that ocean and keep fighting until you’re swimming freely among the waves, knowing that the people who love you will be on the shore waiting when you come back. Remember, without the rain, there would be no flowers 🌸

Choices

We live, we die. That’s the only certain thing in life, right?

What if we had the choice? I guess we do, in a way, have a choice, but its never really that simple. Most people will cruise through life hitting the odd bump in the road every now and then, maybe have their heart broken. Others are the ones who take more than their fair share of traumas and heartache, the ones who have felt more pain than they thought they ever would; these are the tragedy magnets. Being in the latter category can drain the life out of you if you let it. It can tear you apart and leave you a broken shadow of your former self. I’ve recently become a slave to heartache, and forgotten how to love the most important person. Myself. It’s like I’ve been dancing in the fire for so long, i’m used to the heat, and getting out is much harder than staying. Sleepless nights and random moments of tears can really beat you to your knees, pleading for a moment of clarity where there’s no need to think about anything or anyone else. These moments seem to occur less frequently these days, as my mind keeps delving deeper into wild thoughts, drowning almost.

There’s a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Its a fine line, but still, a difference. You could be completely content with being home alone, watching your favourite Netflix documentary, but then you could walk into a room full of people and feel completely lonely. When these two combine, its difficult to change the cycle once you’re in it. The constant battle of wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely, and having everything fade into one until you don’t even know which is which anymore.

So you see the choice is never simple. Its never a clear cut yes or no. Maybe you’re trying to keep your head above the water or maybe you’re just so used to the heat and so lost in the smoke that you’ve forgotten what the water feels like.