Truth

Every next level of your life will demand a different you, but does that mean you leave the other versions of you behind? You can’t outrun your past no matter how hard you try, it will always catch up to you. It’s the same as how we can’t drown our demons, because they know how to swim. They know how to keep us awake into the depths of the night, because that’s when we’re the most alone. That’s when the darkness almost feels familiar, and you feel it deep inside of you. There’s so much nothing, you could get lost in it, and every sound or word or voice is just background noise that you can’t quite place.

Isn’t it funny how it’s possible for the mind to be racing and a body to be physically shaking whilst also feeling so numb and empty? Every heartbeat feels like a punch to the throat, and every breath feeling like it burns my lungs. But it’s also as if I’m drowning, and when my head is underwater, that’s when I can finally breathe. Being overwhelmed with a feeling of such sadness it suffocates me like a weight crushing my chest. It hurts.

What if this is what I deserve? What if this is how life is meant to be, and this is it? What if I’m supposed to hide behind humour, fake smiles and monotonous false replies to the question “are you ok?”. I don’t want the world to see me, not the version of me that’s broken. The real me.

I sometimes feel I’m made of glass, stained with memories from the past. And as the cracks form one by one, I’m rushing around trying to fix them, to stop myself from crumbling all together. Am I broken? Am I flawed? Or am I just another lost cause trying to find the missing pieces that already broke along the way?

Now I understand why storms are named after people. I ruin everything that’s beautiful and wonderful and leave a trail of destruction behind, but for some reason you still think i’m worth saving. Everything inside of me believes its about time you say that you hate me, because I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I wonder everyday if I’m even still worthy to hold on to, or would it just be easier to let me go. Do I even deserve a shred of worth? Would I be missed if you let me go? Or would you feel at peace for all the chaos would finally be over, for I know simply that the sky will last longer than I.

Echoing Conversations

Just like how the sandy beaches cant help but collide with the waves, I couldnt help but collide with you. Before we met, I’d look at the sky and there was always an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, of being awake but never alive, a feeling of being so utterly lost in this world. But you found me and brought me a sense of worth and meaning. You brought back all the colours into my life. You were gentle, and kind, and you showed me that it was possible for someone to love me more than I hated myself. You listened without judgement and guided me through the dark every time I crumbled. You saw my pain, you peered through my tired eyes and looked into my soul; you always did say a person’s eyes were a giveaway to how they really feel. But I was so blindly engrossed, your suffering grew beyond your control and you faded away.

Since the day you left, that loneliness grows a little stronger by every thought or mention of your name. So much so, that I catch myself purposely avoiding saying it, just so I can hold on to you for a little longer, as if overusing it will wear it out. It’s as if every now and then there is less air in the world, and it becomes harder and harder to breathe. I’ve almost become jealous of the old version of myself, the one who got to spend time in your company. Why is it that we must completely fall apart in order for someone to understand how hard we were trying to keep it all together?

During the deepest parts of the night I feel myself in a constant battle with anxiety, willing myself to keep control. You were always there with a shoulder when I needed it, a hand to hold, a calm voice to keep me steady. You were always with me when I was hurting, when sleep just wasn’t possible, or when nights seemed so long and full of dread, and I will forever be so thankful of that, because you understood. You understood my pain and my heartbreak. Even though I’m older now and should be better equipped to deal with the past, I know that I never would have made it without you. Now that you’re gone, I feel scared of losing that control. The words “I’m just tired” are said so often I almost start to believe my own lie, and that maybe I am just overworked and under rested. When in fact, I try to downplay everything because I dont want to sound like I’m complaining too much. The honest truth? I’m falling apart without you.

Recently the days keep feeling heavier and heavier, and the urge to drive away and not look back has become greater. Every morning there’s a split second as I wake, when there’s a glimmer of hope that it’ll be a better day, but it quickly disappears when the dark cloud returns to take away the idea of sunlight. Sometimes I wish certain people could read my thoughts, so they could see what I’m too scared to admit or say. But then what would they think of me? When they see what I see and feel what I feel. Would they think me insane? Would they be disappointed that I once again have fallen into the trap that is my own mind, after working so hard to get out the last time? Instead it’s easier to stay silent. When there’s silence, that’s when it hurts the most. Feeling tongue tied, but screaming on the inside. Because sometimes the things that cause the most pain are the things that are the hardest to put into words. So I try my hardest to remove the sadness; But how can you remove sadness when you don’t know where it ends and I begin?

It almost feels like fighting to live in a body, battling every single day to survive, against a mind that’s working it’s hardest against you. I guess that’s how you felt too, and the battle became one you could no longer fight. I guess I’m fighting it for the both of us now. And with each passing day I know you’re with me, holding on, trying to guide me through to the other side. I just hope each day might bring a brighter tomorrow.

Love and miss you as always x

2am Questions

What if we could cut all ties with the morning light? Just so we have a little more time to appreciate what we leave behind in the dark each time the sun rises. What would it be like to know that the night could last forever, just for a moment? Maybe then we’d greet darkness as an old friend, and embrace the loneliness it brings. But secrets in the dark are always felt with such heartache, will echoes of comfort even suffice?

How long must we fall before we are able to climb? How long must we be forsaken wonderers following our own paths to nowhere before we find the way home? Will we be able to beat the clouds as they come rolling in or just let the rain win? Maybe walking in the downpour will allow us to feel something other than forgotten or broken.

What would it be like to sit in the sun as it rises, look at the world and never have to think; Am I enough? To bask in its warmth without any feeling of regret or woe. Allowing it to fill every inch of you, consume you in ways you never thought possible, and find the happiness that everyone swears exists, but yet you still haven’t been able to find.

Why does any glimpse of happiness always seem to come at a cost? Finding the smallest speck of light during a dusky night can bring the glint of hope you so desperately need, only for you to feel like you’re head’s above the water but you still cant even breathe. How far on your way to learning how to swim will you be before you feel the weight of the current drag you under again?

Do we take the road less travelled or keep coasting on autopilot? Would either road lead to where our hearts are anyway? Or are they buried so deep that nobody could ever find them or claim them? Are we protecting our hearts from heartache or just denying ourselves of any future possibility of the happiness we’re all trying to find?

Answers on a postcard

A Letter To You

Hey. Its been a while. I’ve found myself thinking about you a lot recently, now that all I have is nothing but time to think. You always used to steal my thoughts in the depths of night, but these days I feel you around me even when the sun is shining. I hear your laugh in the trees as they dance in the breeze, I sense you around every corner. You’ve visited me in my dreams a lot lately, you must sense I’ve needed you. You were always so good at that, better than anyone else I’ve ever met. And as much as I adore seeing your smile once again, its always so bittersweet to wake up.

Sometimes I like to pretend that you’re still here. That I’m just a couple hundred miles away and you’re excelling at life as we always planned. You have a garden, and a dog and I could easily just drop by to see you. We’d drink copious amounts of tea and catch up on each other’s crazy lives. You’d ramble on about your job and how badly you want to quit because we’d both know you should be running your own business, and I’d tell you all about the amazing places around the world my work has taken me. It’s been five years now. That’s one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six days without you. And it still doesn’t get any easier.

I used to think that the grief of losing you would eat away at me until there was nothing left, but I was wrong. Grief isnt the darkness that haunts me, grief is really just, love. Its all the love I wish I could give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers in the corners of my eyes, the lump in my throat and in the hollow part of my chest. Grief is just love, but with nowhere to go. You learn to cope with it, you find new places and ways to share that love, but it never really goes away.

I hope to keep dreaming of you. I hope to keep seeing you when i need you the most. To see your comforting smile and to hear some form of your voice. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to stay there with you, in a world where you never left, a world where nothing hurts like losing you does.

In other dreams, if you see the person I used to be, can you tell her that I’d like to find her? If you find the shell that’s left of me, can you spare her a little kindness and guide her through to you? I’ve tried everything and anything but between the madness and the apathy, nothing seems to work quite like it should.

Love and miss you as always x

Triggers

Triggers. They’re everywhere right? A song, a word, a certain phrase. They’re unavoidable. You could be having a great day, the sun is shinning, no traffic on your way to work, and you have your favourite meal deal combo for lunch. Then someone makes an ill-mannered joke and your whole vibe changes. Its not their fault right? Is it your fault? Psychiatrists and counsellors alike would tell you and work hard to get you to tell yourself that of course it isn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong. So why do you feel as if you’ve just been kicked in the stomach? Or you feel your throat closing up as if someone still has their hands wrapped around it. You find yourself clearing your throat and focusing so hard on breathing to stop yourself from crying. The moment passes but its still in your head, still on your mind. That memory or feeling that you worked hard to suppress, now poking its ugly little head again, and all you’re thinking about is how hard you worked to suppress it in the first place, and now all it’s taken is 10 seconds to bring it back again. One thing you should remember is;

It’s ok. It’s ok to feel like that. It’s ok to have a little cry if you need to. You’re not weak or defenceless.

People will always make jokes, they’ll always tell that story they think is funny but makes everyone else in the room squirm. These people are the lucky ones who have never had to experience life they way you or I may have. They’ve never had to deal with those traumas or life changing events, because if they did, they would know better. But these people are also the weaker ones. You and I, we’re stronger because of these experiences, and they’ve shaped us to be who we are today. We’ve been to rock bottom, and it might have been the worst time of our lives but the fact that you’re reading this means you got up. You might be there right now, you might’ve been there for a while, and I know it’ll take some time for you to feel like you again. But you will. You’re not hopeless, though you have been broken and feel like your innocence has been stolen. But you’ll start to see colours again, and every day the world will look just that little bit brighter.

Coping mechanisms are important. They’re what’s going to help you when you get that overwhelming feeling of anxiety or panic. Maybe it’s talking to someone you trust, or someone that has a calming effect, maybe its focusing your mind on something in particular. Writing in a journal can be extremely beneficial, so can colouring. Focusing your mind on an easy task, something that maybe brought you a lot of joy during your childhood because it’s so satisfying and carefree. Find your own little way and stick to it, you’ll soon find an easier way of doing it and find it helps every time.

Unfortunately we cant stop people making jokes. We cant stop an image or a scene from a tv programme, we cant stop someone else’s conversation you might overhear. But we can learn to cope with the consequence it brings. We can learn to face it and take it in our stride, and we can absolutely learn to stand up for what’s right when someone does make that squirmy joke. Always remember there is never a need to do any of it on your own. Keep you head and spirits high, and remember, even Superwoman sometimes needed Catwoman to give her a helping hand.

Advice to Former Self

James Fray once said that loss of control is always the source of fear, but it’s also however always the source of change. Change can be scary, the thought of something not being the same ever again? That’s enough to scare anyone. But losing control doesn’t have to be scary, it doesn’t have to be the thing you fear. It can be exciting and exhilarating. Control is what you make it, so don’t let it define you.

Its okay to lose yourself from time to time, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you’ve made, or by the blurry image you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you’re broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you feel lost and confused. Not everyone finds their purpose in life at the same time, some find it as a teenager whilst others don’t feel right until they’re well into adult life. Just because you haven’t found your purpose yet doesn’t mean you don’t have one. Be patient, it will come.

Smile every day. Even if it feels like your whole world is falling apart, smile. Do something that makes you smile, because you’ll easily forget how to. Run to the top of the mountain, bake to your heart’s content, do the stupid thing. Just make sure you smile.

Tell someone you love them. Allow yourself to fall in love. You might get your heart broken and it might be terrible, but maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll find your person and it will be incredible. You’ll look at them as if they are the sun, and you’ll want to be in their light for the rest of yours. The only way a heart can mend is by falling in love again, so don’t hold back, don’t protect yourself from heartache that might not even happen. Don’t rob yourself of happiness.

You can’t control life. It comes tumbling at you at 100mph and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, so try to enjoy the ride. Just because something didn’t go the way you wanted it to, doesn’t mean you failed. No one can take away from you the fact that you gave everything in that moment, it just wasn’t meant to be. Go back to the drawing board and try again. Take the fear of disappointment and let it ignite the fire deep inside you, be your own source of change.

Your heart will be broken. You will feel pain and grief and regret but there is nothing you can do about it. Know that you’re allowed to feel this way, embrace it and learn from it. The people you care most about in the world will be taken from you, and life will beat you to your knees if you let it. Have your moment, cry all the tears you need, scream and shout and be as angry as you possibly can at the world. But then get up. Always, always get up. Even if you feel like you cant face the world that day, always get up, dressed and go sit outside. Let your heart heal, don’t force it. Be patient.

I don’t think I’ve ever met a strong person with an easy past. Our experiences in life shape us to be our own person, and as much as you would like to, you cannot control that. Just make sure you keep a little fire burning. No matter how small or how hidden, keep it ignited. And remember, the most tragic backstories and broken hearts belong to superheroes.

Always Scared to Ask

Everyone always seems to be too scared to ask what depression feels like. When the truth is, if you asked, I would be as honest as I possibly can. I would do my best to explain.

Depression is like drowning, but you see everyone around you breathing fine. Its like walking against the strongest current, giving it everything you’ve got. People on the banks are telling you to just get out of the water, but instead of helping you, they just walk away leaving you there. You finally get to a rock that you can hold on to a rest for a little while, but soon enough that rock fades away and just lets you go, leaving you there to drown. Then you’re stuck, being pushed back even further, trying to fight even harder. And nothing is worse, than doing everything you can to stay upright, when everything is telling you how much easier it would be just to let the water take you.

Depression is scary. It’s terrifying. Waking up in the middle of the night, crying, shaking with terror, feeling like you’re not safe in your own room, in your own mind. One of the worst things, is trying to get people to understand that you cant just get over it, or just move on. It’s a mental illness, exactly like a physical illness. You cant get over or move on from an infection or a broken bone. But when you try and talk to someone about it and they tell you to just to get over it, or its just a bad day, that’s when it’s get harder. Because you know that it’s not just a bad day, because you know that it took a lot for you to even try and talk to that person to begin with, and now it’s gonna be even harder to try again. So you dont. You dont try again, and that’s where the cycle begins. Everything stays inside your head and grows and gets worse, because you know you wont be able to handle another rejection.

The next time you do muster up the courage to try and tell someone your thoughts, you’re worried that all they’ll see is a weak figure in front of them, especially as all you’ve done for the entire time you’ve known them, is be the one who seems to have their entire life together. So you start small, tell them you had a bad day, or tell them you’re tired, when in fact you want to scream for help. Tell them how it feels like your whole world is falling apart, and you can’t juggle the pieces anymore. You say how you’ve had a little trouble sleeping when in fact you’ve barely slept a couple hours a night for days. You test the waters little by little, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who’ll understand you. Someone who’ll gather all your little broken parts and instead of throwing them away, stay by your side and try to help you fix them.

So if you want the truth, then just ask. Because honestly, all I want to do is to be able to tell everyone all about it without the fear of being judged or abandoned, or the fear of being seen as weak or needy. So just make things a little easier, just ask.