We accept the love that we think we deserve. And if someone believes that you deserve more, and they take the time to try and show you that, that’s special, but what if you dont think you deserve it? I guess the very thing that distinguishes us is that you wouldn’t have hesitated to choose me in every lifetime, but I am unable to even choose myself in this one. And although you gave me every part of you, I cannot be loved into loving myself. So there you were basking in the love you have for me and here I am pleading for a droplet of the same love, or whatever I could salvage, from my own heart. But there comes a time where even you must agree and recognise that to grieve hurts a lot less than to try to love a part of me that you cannot control or understand. Maybe I’m not the one if all I do is cause hurt and pain. Is this supposed to feel like dying over and over? Surely the one that brings a storm cannot also give sunshine. Protecting you from the inevitable thunderstorm was my main purpose, so why do I feel like I still miserably failed? Sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it’s killing us to let go.

You’re some of my favourite photos that I cant bare to delete. An imprinted memory that hurts to let go of, because in you I found someone I lost some time ago. Recently I find myself wondering what it would’ve been like if I had allowed myself to be loved by you. Let go of my fears of being vulnerable and not filter all my feelings, because nothing is ever so black and white. A part of me feels lost, forever searching for the right words to say even though my mind is constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of you. Late night walks alone dont silence them or others any longer, and I can’t sleep because when I do I dream, and I don’t want to. The dreams are always so bittersweet, giving false pretences of what life could have been. One more walk, one more look, one more chance at life. I guess my hope is that if we add up the “one mores”, they would equate to a lifetime, and I’ll never have to get to the part where you’re no longer there. But sadly that’s not real is it? There aren’t any “one mores”. Now that the conversations are over and there’s nothing but silence, we lay with steaming empty guns aching for one more bullet, one more shot. I was never able to say the words but never did I not love you. But what do we do when we love someone but also feel we cant go on? Wanting to steal glances or hear your voice but knowing if I do I wont be able to stop or look away. I feel like I’ve met you in a hundred different lifetimes, and I just hope that at least one of them got it right.

And if I ever lose this battle I seem to have with myself daily, I want you to know that there’s nothing more you could have done. You saw when I was crying on the inside. You saw the rainclouds when I was trying to be everyone’s sunshine. When I was checking up on everyone around me, making sure they were still standing, you recognised I was falling to my knees. I get so lonely and so low that I barely feel like I’m even breathing, and even on times when you felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, you were there to get me through each day, always. But you can rest now, you no longer need to burden your mind with saving me from the monsters in my head. I wish for you to find all the happiness you deserve and more. I will forever be indebted to you, always. And as you said, always is a long time.

Being broken, but saying everything’s fine; sound familiar? As much as you want to be truthful, feeling they wouldn’t believe you if they knew the things that crossed your mind. Miles of oceans filled with beautiful lies, but even you know it would be crazy to think rainstorms end in shines.

Isn’t it funny how the fear of being perceived as a failure or weak is so strong, that you’d rather pretend everything is ok? And as long as you say the right thing and act the right way then people are happy, because they feel the burden is no longer on them. Fighting for most of your life, hiding away not feeling that comfort you so desperately crave. Feeling at one with the silence. It’s like screaming but nobody can hear it. Like you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important you feel like nothing without them.

How draining it is to still be healing from the things we dont talk about. A type of loneliness that shatters your heart. The type that caused you scars you don’t show, some that have now healed on your skin but are still embedded deep in your mind.

What a struggle it’s becoming to hide how damaged you may have become. Craving for someone to call you out, tell you they know you’re lying when you say you’re fine. For someone to look into your eyes and see the pain you’re hiding. Feeling like such a burden you almost want to apologise for even existing. Because saying it’s fine doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

How exhausting it is to feel everything and nothing all at once. To feel such pain and hurt and such emptiness and numbness at the same time. Pain, of any kind, changes people. It makes them trust less, think more and shut everyone out. I’ve always had a tendency to push away when someone pulls me in, then I helplessly wonder why people think I’m hard to reach. I only show parts of me that are safe, the parts I can control but then I lie awake at night for hours running circles in my mind, wondering why I make myself so unattainable. Do I already know the answers? Have all my insecurities finally beat me and made me impossible to love? Is it because I do everyone wrong and make them bleed? I seem to have hidden my truest and deepest feelings so well, I’ve forgotten where I placed them.

One day, you wake up and without thinking, you’ll be getting on with your day. Pottering around, completing all the tasks that need to be done, but then within a few hours it’ll hit you. Like a ton of bricks falling from above, like the sky’s come crashing down and all you feel is a weight crushing your chest. It gets harder and harder to breathe, as if the air has gotten thinner, and your lungs no longer work. On other days, you wake up like it. Feeling completely alone and defeated, as if all you deserve is to be miserable and totally and completely exhausted. People say the 3am thoughts are dangerous, but what about the ones at 3pm? The ones that flush your mind when you’re trying to go about your daily routine, but you can’t because darkness it hitting you like a hurricane and you can’t pretend to be ok anymore. It becomes impossible to express the mess your mind has become. Feeling so broken you don’t think anyone would believe you if you allowed them to see what’s running through your mind.

I’m losing myself again. Please pull me out of this train wreck. My head is in a constant fog, and the wind seems to be picking up causing quite the storm. Make the rain stop drowning me in nothing but my own thoughts. When I say that I am okay, I do not mean the kind of okay you think I do. I mean the kind of okay where every day, every moment is a struggle. I mean the kind of okay where even just breathing becomes the most difficult of tasks. I mean the kind of okay where smiles are plastered on forcefully, where laughs are faker than the people around me. Where happiness is nothing but a distant dream and sadness is but the blanket that comforts me. I mean the kind of okay which in fact, isn’t okay at all. If only you were here to save me like you did when we were young.

Who wrote the book on goodbyes? Because there’s never been a way to make it easy. A broken heart can make you suffer a kind of pain you’ve never felt before, and it can cause your soul to be completely speechless hanging in a pause. It can feel like it’s has been ripped out and stamped on a thousand times, and you’re left picking up the pieces and trying to put yourself back together again. It may feel like that process takes forever, because every time you think you’ve put a piece back in the right place, it doesn’t feel like it, and you have to start over. If that’s how you’re feeling at this moment, then I can honestly say, this pain does not last forever. You will pick up every last broken piece, and you will find the place where it fits.

As your heart heals, so does your soul. And as all the feelings and emotions are pouring out of you, let them. Just let them pour. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, even the clouds rain when they feel heavy. And when the world starts to look less grey, and all the colours start to return, you will feel yourself starting to let go of some feelings. Moving on doesnt mean you forget about things, it just means you have to accept what happened and continue living. Because what is life if isn’t worth living?

Finding love again can be a scary thought. It can be nerve wracking and exciting all at once. But love is too beautiful to keep hidden in a closet, so let it shine as bright as the day is new. Bask in the new light it brings and let it fill you with the warmth you’ve been missing for all that time. If you feel it, don’t let it burn out. Allow them to become the person your eyes will look for in a sea of people. The person you cant stop thinking about when you’re surrounded by people who aren’t them. Fall in love with someone who’s comfortable with your silence. Someone who doesn’t need your words to know it’s time to kiss you. Don’t shield yourself from loving them just because you’re scared of another heartache, because a person who truly values you would never put themselves in a position to lose you. Two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.

So go, get lost in beautiful places and let yourself feel love again, because love too has to be learned. Let someone help grow flowers even in the saddest parts of you, because however small and fragile the might be, they still bring life. Whoever said the small things dont matter has never seen a match start a wildfire

Thinking is human nature. We get tunnel vision and only see the things that support our preconceived notions of ourselves. In the words of perks of being a wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” We see what we want to see, we believe what we want to hear, but do we feel what we want to feel? There is no control over where our mind goes, be it at 2pm on a sunny Friday afternoon or at 2am in the depths of the night. There is no way of making yourself feel something, or nothing for that matter. Sometimes, there’s just nothing. You reach inside, trying to pull out the words to make it all pretty, but fail miserably. The silence is the worst part, it soothes you and kills you and saves you all at once, but if you unclench your hands and let it all go, you fear you’ll have nothing left to say.

When certain thoughts don’t leave you alone, it can be exhausting. It feels like there’s a constant cloud hanging over you, on the verge of rain. But maybe walking in the rain will allow you to drown in something other than your own thoughts. People say “if you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop until you get it”, but how does that work in matters of the heart? We get the most confused when we try to convince our heads something our hearts know is a lie. From then on, its a spiral. A never ending battle between a million thoughts all at the same time. Your anxiety rises, you feel your soul plummet back into that silence, aching for someone just to hold you and bring you back.

If you ever want to know the truth about how someone feels, look into their eyes. People have developed an outstanding ability to deceive even the closest ones to them, but the eyes never lie. They allow you to see the sadness and exhaustion behind someone’s smile, especially on those days where the melancholy settles like a change in the weather. The kind of sadness that is intangible. Like the presence of an ache where you cant pinpoint exactly where it hurts, you just know it does. Your heart cries but your eyes remain dry.

I guess the upside of being able to hide pain so well is how easy it is to see it in others. So much so that you tend to forget all about how your head and your heart set one another on fire, because you’re focused on fixing the problem you see in front of you. So maybe be the person you needed to sit with you in silence, to listen to your thoughts or just hold you whilst you cried. Be the person that asks the difficult questions because chances are, you’ll get an honest answer. Be the one who asks how they’re eating and sleeping and functioning from day to day. Be that person, be the one you wished you had. Be a better you. Maybe then they’ll notice, and catch your soul before it shatters.

You were red, and you liked me because I was blue. I gave you all the opportunities in the world to choose me, I gave myself to you in a way I never had before. I got so lost in the darkness of your eyes and the melody of your voice; the kindness of your heart and the purity of you soul. Loving you was red and fiery. It was like feeling the wind as I fell through a free fall, like autumn colours before they lose their vibrance. You brought so much joy into my life, I wanted to bask in your light forever. So many of us fear tomorrow and regret yesterday, but when I was with you I never feared tomorrow; I was yours, and never regretted yesterday because one yesterday, we met. Being with you was like realising all I ever wanted was right there in front of me. You knew every part of me, and knowing you was as easy as knowing all the words to my favourite song.

But then I got lost. I didn’t know where you began and where I ended. I was so lost in you that I forgot about myself; I forgot to love myself the way I loved you. You became the best part of me, when I needed to be. I put everything into loving you at a time when I needed to love myself. When you left, I was lost. Losing you was blue, the kind of sky blue that appears just before a storm.

Lost in the fact that your lips could utter the words ‘goodbye’. The same lips that told me they loved and needed me. The same lips that broke down my walls and shattered my cold heart to let me love again after I had decided that falling in love just wasnt worth it. The lips I kissed a thousand times over now seemed like strangers, and the words they said difficult to understand.

Missing you was dark grey, under a constant cloud of sadness. It was like trying to change the puzzle even though I already had all the answers. Trying to get you out of my mind never worked, as you always creeped back in just a little stronger each time. Forgetting you was like trying to know someone I’d never met, trying to forget all the promises and words of love we spoke. I was told to always trust the over-thinker that says they love you, because they have, most assuredly thought of all the reasons not to. For you, I guess I became a reason.

You were my red, and I was your blue. The way you looked at me and made me feel suddenly turned me into the beautiful lilac sky, then you just decided that purple wasn’t really for you.

Hey. I miss you. It’s four years today since you left, and I cant believe time’s flown by so quickly. I’m sorry its taken me so long to write to you, I’ve often gone to do so but words always fail me. But today I sense I need to, because I don’t feel you around as much anymore. Each year this day comes and goes, and my heart breaks every time, wishing you were still here. After you left, I still felt you around me. Heard your voice in the wind, saw your silhouette in every shadow, expected to see you around every corner. But recently I’ve been so lost inside my own mind that I forgot to think about your presence. Its the worst part of losing someone, life just simply goes on. Life has gone on without you; it doesnt feel right, yet time stops for no one. So please forgive me.

I’ve asked you for forgiveness numerous times over these past four years, starting with the night you left, and every day since. Asking you to forgive me for not being there, for not getting to you fast enough. After that I was so angry for so long. Angry at myself for not being the person you needed me to be, but also angry at you for leaving. For leaving me behind and making me feel grief like I’ve never felt before. The kind that took my breath away every time I thought of you, the kind that made every happy memory I had of us disappear under a heavy cloud of pain and anger. It felt like there was no air left in the world, and then all of a sudden I was so tired of trying to breathe. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had. And now without you, I feel like whenever I fall apart, I do it without anyone noticing. Its the worst kind of sad. The kind where you try to ignore it but then it gets so bad that one day you just break down. Nothing feels right anymore, and you lose yourself. It can occur so very quietly as if it was nothing, and no other loss can happen so silently. I didn’t mean to be so angry with you, so please, forgive me.

There’s no one else in the world like you. No other soul among the 8 billion out there on this earth, is as tightly bound to me as yours. You were so patient and kind and honest, and you were always there, even when I pushed you away. Isnt it the most ironic thing that you’re the one I need to help me get over losing you? Sometimes I get so scared about letting someone close to me, because I dont want to get attached and then feel the pain of them leaving. I dont like the way you left, the way we said goodbye. I dont like that you were alone and scared, and I wasn’t there. So please, forgive me.

I still talk to your parents often, and I go see them whenever I can, but I know I should do more. Your mum of course, says it’s ok and she understands, but I wish things were different. Whenever I’m with them I feel so close to you; I wish I could feel that all the time. I came to see you a few weeks ago, brought you some fresh flowers, sat with you a while. I miss talking like we used to, I miss your voice, your laugh. I miss your wise words of wisdom and your judgemental face whenever I did something you warned me not to, but then the warmth of your smile as you comforted me. That’s what I miss the most about you, the way you always knew what to say, how no matter what was going on in your world you always had the time to stop mine from crumbling. So much so that yours broke unnoticed. So please, forgive me.

Losing you is one of the hardest things that’s happened to me, and every day is harder than the last because it’s another day without you. I always think and wonder where you’d be now if you were still here, what you’d be doing, who you would’ve become. And I know you would’ve been as amazing as ever, trying to fix everyone who you found to be hurting. We used to talk about our futures as if we had forever and a day, and even though our forever ended that day, I still carry you with me always, and I will always love you. But I will never love you as much as I miss you, so please, forgive me.

Speak soon 💛

Ever stayed up all night talking to someone? You soon come to understand that people are a different form of themselves at 3am compared to the person they are at 3pm. The silence and darkness of the night almost acts like a comfort blanket, lulling you into a secure feeling of confidentiality. It’s as if being in the depths of the night allows you to be whoever you want to be, you’re able to take off the mask and allow yourself to be vulnerable for a while. But there’s still the sound of your heartbeat filling the silence, because even though you feel sightly safer, there’s still that worry that someone might like you less when they’ve seen what its like inside of you. As if they’ll see you as a different person, and it reminds you that deep in every human lives a crippling feeling of anxiety over the possibility of being alone in the world.

People always leave. Its an assumption that means you’re never disappointed, because you expect it all along. But then again it always tears you apart when it happens over and over again. You can love someone so much, but you can never love someone as much as you miss them. You’ll allow them to go on cutting your heart into smaller and smaller pieces for as long as they want, because it means that you dont have to face the loneliness of being without them just yet. But love isnt something you have to deserve, its not something that has to be earned. Love is love. Love is waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that person beside you sleeping, and feeling that the world isnt as lonely anymore. Its watching the sun go down on a beach and feeling its warmth until it sets, and then looking up at the stars until it rises again. Just because your heart is broken it doesnt mean you cant still love with it. You can love so much that it almost seems like it’s in once piece again.

Always remember that just because someone looks happy doesnt necessarily mean they are. Even a white rose has a black shadow. Before finding a soul mate, you must first find your soul, and you must learn to accept that broken heart inside of you, learn to love it. The mistake is thinking you need someone else to save you, when in fact all you need is someone to stand by your side whilst you save yourself. Because pain is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes its overwhelming. Unfortunately all we can do is learn how to swim. But there’s an ancient Chinese proverb, about an invisible red thread that links those destined to be connected despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. The thread can be tightened or tangled, but will never be broken. So throw yourself into that ocean and keep fighting until you’re swimming freely among the waves, knowing that the people who love you will be on the shore waiting when you come back. Remember, without the rain, there would be no flowers 🌸

We live, we die. That’s the only certain thing in life, right?

What if we had the choice? I guess we do, in a way, have a choice, but its never really that simple. Most people will cruise through life hitting the odd bump in the road every now and then, maybe have their heart broken. Others are the ones who take more than their fair share of traumas and heartache, the ones who have felt more pain than they thought they ever would; these are the tragedy magnets. Being in the latter category can drain the life out of you if you let it. It can tear you apart and leave you a broken shadow of your former self. I’ve recently become a slave to heartache, and forgotten how to love the most important person. Myself. It’s like I’ve been dancing in the fire for so long, i’m used to the heat, and getting out is much harder than staying. Sleepless nights and random moments of tears can really beat you to your knees, pleading for a moment of clarity where there’s no need to think about anything or anyone else. These moments seem to occur less frequently these days, as my mind keeps delving deeper into wild thoughts, drowning almost.

There’s a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Its a fine line, but still, a difference. You could be completely content with being home alone, watching your favourite Netflix documentary, but then you could walk into a room full of people and feel completely lonely. When these two combine, its difficult to change the cycle once you’re in it. The constant battle of wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely, and having everything fade into one until you don’t even know which is which anymore.

So you see the choice is never simple. Its never a clear cut yes or no. Maybe you’re trying to keep your head above the water or maybe you’re just so used to the heat and so lost in the smoke that you’ve forgotten what the water feels like.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton