People often mistake the meaning of intimacy. Its about truth. When you realise you can tell someone the truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you can stand in front of them and bare your soul, and their response is “you’re safe with me”; that’s intimacy.

We look for a kind of connection people write stories about, the kind you never think you’ll find again in one lifetime. Baring your soul becomes easy, and knowing them is like reading your favourite book, one new chapter at a time. We chase the ones with sunflower souls; the ones who always chase the light no matter how dark it gets.

Those ‘once in a lifetime’ people, they never ask you to be perfect. They never ask you to be anyone but your true authentic self. They’ll provide comfort for you to show the parts of you that hurt the most, in order to know where to love you the hardest.

Maybe no one will see it, maybe everyone will, but because of them, flowers are able to bloom in our hearts again. And just like the sunflowers do when the sun is missing, they find each other, and allow the other to chase the light, especially when it seems the darkest outside 🌻

You took my smile as easily as you gave it. And just because I carry it well, doesnt mean it’s not heavy.

So I ask those that I love; will they hold my hand for a little while? I dont need them to save me, nor to fix anything. I have no need for them to hold my pain as their own. I sometimes do not even need their words or their thoughts, nor even their shoulders to carry me, but I ask them to sit here with me for a while. Whilst my tears stream, whilst my heart shatters, whilst my mind plays its tricks. I ask for their presence to let me know that I am not alone whilst I wander.

My darkness is mine to face, my pain is mine to feel and my wounds are my own to heal. But I ask, for them to sit with me a while, whilst I courageously show up for it all. Because of my darkness, I am bright. The brokenness brings beauty. My tender heart brings strength. But again I ask, will they take my hand when I sometimes journey into the dark? I dont ask for them to take the darkness away, I dont expect for them to be the sun, and I don’t believe that they can mend my pain. But I would surely love, for them to sit a while, and hold my hand as I find my way out of the shadows.

So will you hold my hand until I return again?

It’s impossible to unlace my heartstrings from yours. How do I untangle a connection authored by the stars? I didnt just lose you once, I lost you over and over. When the loss is momentarily forgotten, a fresh wave of grief can hit so unexpectedly. Every time my eyes open to a new dawn, that’s another sunrise without you. Every time they close, the sun sets, or a new moon, that’s one you wont see. I not only lost you, I lost a version of us that will never be, a version of me that i’ll never become, and entire life that should have been. Yes I lost you, but in a million different ways.

This pain is like a loneliness, encompassed in hopelessness and despair. Its a scream that lives inside of me that only I can hear. As long as it never escapes then I still have control of everything around me. But the scream has different ideas. If I have a moment of happiness, the scream will heighten its volume, adding an extra layer of guilt within me, something to protect.

There are times when my inner demons get the best of me, and they’re loud. In the midst of the noise, I long for the deafening silence. Whilst trying to calm the irrational thoughts, I ache for simplicity. The surrounding echoes bring a sense of aimless wandering, feeling so lost that my heart doesn’t even feel at home in my chest. There’s a feeling of wanting to be alone, but wanting someone’s comfort in the silence.

I dont know when everything will feel okay again, I dont know where this life is headed. I dont know if tomorrow will be the best day or the worst. I dont know how to get rid of the ghosts that haunt me at 2am, but I don’t know, maybe that’s the point. Maybe there’s hope in the mystery. Maybe there’s hope as the sun rises each morning.

So here I am, surviving what I thought I never could. There are days, even weeks where it’s still overwhelming and full of sorrow, but I’m here. I’m making it through, even if it means crawling on my knees, I’m here.

I walk side by side with grief, carrying life’s remains under a darkened sky. I’ve come to realise recently that I’m not only grieving a loss but parts that I’ve lost within myself. I sometimes ask grief when it will leave, and when the sun will decide to brightly encompass me again, but there never seems to be an answer.

Nobody told me how often I would see your face then blink, and see another instead. Nobody told me how I would catch glimpses of my old self before retracting in to the shell I have become. Nobody told me that remembering the feeling of your hands around my throat would make me gasp for breath or remembering the sound of your voice would keep me awake at night. Nobody told me that my nightmares would become an unforgiving reality.

Navigating this minefield of unpredictability whilst being in a state of hyper-vigilance always leads to prolonged suffering. In turn, I am bound to a profound state of isolation and loneliness. There are days where I feel like this weight is one I cannot release, enveloped in thick fog, unable to see any light in the distance. This loneliness is different to any other, its a hollowness that echoes within the absence of hope.

How is it possible to put into words the difficulty of rediscovering the person you once were before the broken parts took over? Am I just being lazy? Unmotivated? Stuck in a continuous loop of healing just to wake up at rock bottom again? Or have I just been living life in survival mode for so long that it’s become my exhausting normality.

How does someone measure bravery? In medals and titles? In tales of heroes and villains? Is it braver to shed tears in the silence or admit that you’re falling apart? I think the bravest thing i ever did was choosing to continue living, when everything inside me wanted to stop.

I have come to understand why people take flight from bridges, why bottles become places of worship, why people don’t dare put words to their struggles. Because trying to put everything into one sentence, one conversation, seems so small and insignificant, whilst all the while, everything on the inside is an entire sea of confusion and pain.

Being so self aware is so emotionally exhausting, as is being a witness to my own demise.

You always loved the stars. We shared a love for them together. The vastness of space and time made us feel a little less lonely out there in the world. The deep, velvet skies reminded us of the boundless possibilities that exist beyond our reach. Shining with timeless brilliance, a testament to the enduring beauty and misery of the universe.

Within each star, is a story. Just as each person we meet in our journey has their own unique tale. We too, were like the stars; connected by invisible threads, adding light to each other’s worlds. Just as the stars enlighten the darkest skies, those we hold dear brighten our lives, guiding us through moments of uncertainty and pain.

The silence has been heavy recently, the weight of absence, the ache of memories shared. Though, through the darkness within me, in the midst of emotional tempest, I feel glimpses of light. Even these days in the most profound sadness, there are paths back to hope, illuminated by those precious moments and the comfort a starry night.

The glistening lights eternal and unwavering bring inspiration to cherish those we love, as I am reminded of our place in the universe and the intricate web of connections that binds us all. No matter where on our journey these connections are made, they were always written in those same stars. A constellation of memories past and future, all tucked and hidden away for those times when needed the most.

Now I talk to the sky, hoping you’re there listening. Because you always loved the stars. Its funny how they seemed to shine a little brighter when you decided to join them.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy, because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that” – Robin Williams

Hello you. Its been a while since I’ve written to you but I know you’ve still been around. I’ve felt you in the depths of night, in the warm light of day.

It’ll soon be nine years since you left, nine years of life without you. How quickly does life pass by when you have no choice but to keep moving forward? So here I am, greeting the robins you send me, counting the feathers you drop. Tracing the rainbows you draw all whilst realising that this is a new chapter for us. We aren’t done quite yet, its different and difficult but it’s something. Some days I feel like I’m honouring your memory and making you proud, but on others, I feel heavy with heartache and completely lost in this world without you. There are days where the melancholy surrounds me, where my mind is heavy, my words fail. There is pain that you will never know, caused by the absence of you.

The sadness these days grows bigger, quicker and any cries for help suddenly turn into whispers. The monsters in my head grow stronger and louder and it’s much harder to escape them. Now I’m shedding silent tears into rivers because you didn’t swim back up. I guess your ocean was so deep no one could reach you without drowning, even after I dived in not knowing whether I would sink or swim.

Recently I’ve become entangled with heartache. A shell of my old self, a ghost in my own presence. My eyes become windows to my soul, surrounded in a world left by you. Sleepless nights have crept back without notice and I spend almost all of my time feeling like i’m falling further and further away from the light. I’ve become a master of deception but it leaves me feeling like everything I do is a lie, as every day I’m the shoulder to cry on, the one to make others laugh if they need it. Does that make me an imposter in my own skin?

But just as quickly as the sadness grows, so do the fond memories of you. They are no longer intertwined with anger or pain, they flood my mind with serenity, and for brief moments, I am able to walk down memory lane with you. Its one of my favourite places to be, as we get to walk side by side as if nothing else in the world matters. But of course, I cant stay there forever, and reality drags me back kicking and screaming.

Sometimes, for brief moments, i wish death would come for me. Quietly and peacefully, so then all the pain and heartache would be lost as my soul drifts away. Would I be reunited with you? But what for all the pain and heartache that would remain? For those who show me so much love and compassion. Those who bring me strength and comfort in my darkest times. The ones who pull me out of the waters when the tides are suffocating. The suffering caused by the loss of you is enough to hurry the thoughts away.

So instead, I will continue to walk with you, until my heart feels less heavy. I will bask in our memories until my time comes to settle with you there on Memory Lane.

Love always 💛

The people we’ve lost seem stuck in a time that we’re unable to get to, no matter how hard we try. Its like being in a constant battle with time, but always being on the losing side. But what happens when you lose yourself? When you no longer have the energy or strength to dance in your own storm, so it washes you away.

You know, they say once the heart gets too heavy with pain, there are no tears to cry. They just turn quiet, desperately silent. I keep thinking this heartbreak shouldn’t still hurt as much as it does, but I’m still counting these bullet wounds from trying to get over losing you. The heaviness spreads, day to day, until when I think too much about it, I cant breathe. I guess death is not the greatest loss in life, the greatest loss is the part of us that dies whilst we’re still allowed to live. Carefully counterbalancing the scales with remembering that there will come a time that I will have to remember you for longer than I got to know you. And though you may not make it to the end of my story, I’ll always remember which chapters included you.

I’ve had to learn to let go of you little by little, piece by piece, because that way it makes it just that little bit easier. Letting go of you all at once was a task too big to comprehend, but even I know its one that must be faced. These days when I dream of you, you sometimes seem sad, staring at me, almost through me. I used to think it was because you were angry, disappointed with me for not saving you; but recently, I’ve started to think that maybe you look sad because I’ve trapped myself in the past with you, instead of moving forward into the future. Maybe you feel sorry for me. Even I feel sorry for me some days, and though I find myself moving on through life, sometimes even the strongest of people need someone to hold their hand and tell them it’s going to be ok.

But what am I afraid of? That if I move on, maybe one day I’ll find myself back enduring pain like this? Having to feel so broken for so long it all blends into one? Is it easier to stay in this constant lull, that way when it gets harder, I’m already halfway there? Or that I’ll never feel this level of sadness and pain again? Grief is only as deep as the love it’s replaced and if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

But your chapter in my book is over, and i cannot torture myself by rereading it over and over again hoping for a different ending. I’ve found that in the silence, it’s almost necessary to let things go more than I have been, simply for the reason that they are heavy. And in that silence, I now finally understand the many ways a person can die, but still be alive.

Love always x