It’s impossible to unlace my heartstrings from yours. How do I untangle a connection authored by the stars? I didnt just lose you once, I lost you over and over. When the loss is momentarily forgotten, a fresh wave of grief can hit so unexpectedly. Every time my eyes open to a new dawn, that’s another sunrise without you. Every time they close, the sun sets, or a new moon, that’s one you wont see. I not only lost you, I lost a version of us that will never be, a version of me that i’ll never become, and entire life that should have been. Yes I lost you, but in a million different ways.
This pain is like a loneliness, encompassed in hopelessness and despair. Its a scream that lives inside of me that only I can hear. As long as it never escapes then I still have control of everything around me. But the scream has different ideas. If I have a moment of happiness, the scream will heighten its volume, adding an extra layer of guilt within me, something to protect.
There are times when my inner demons get the best of me, and they’re loud. In the midst of the noise, I long for the deafening silence. Whilst trying to calm the irrational thoughts, I ache for simplicity. The surrounding echoes bring a sense of aimless wandering, feeling so lost that my heart doesn’t even feel at home in my chest. There’s a feeling of wanting to be alone, but wanting someone’s comfort in the silence.
I dont know when everything will feel okay again, I dont know where this life is headed. I dont know if tomorrow will be the best day or the worst. I dont know how to get rid of the ghosts that haunt me at 2am, but I don’t know, maybe that’s the point. Maybe there’s hope in the mystery. Maybe there’s hope as the sun rises each morning.
So here I am, surviving what I thought I never could. There are days, even weeks where it’s still overwhelming and full of sorrow, but I’m here. I’m making it through, even if it means crawling on my knees, I’m here.
Papersmiles 