Hello you. Its been a while since I’ve written to you but I know you’ve still been around. I’ve felt you in the depths of night, in the warm light of day.
It’ll soon be nine years since you left, nine years of life without you. How quickly does life pass by when you have no choice but to keep moving forward? So here I am, greeting the robins you send me, counting the feathers you drop. Tracing the rainbows you draw all whilst realising that this is a new chapter for us. We aren’t done quite yet, its different and difficult but it’s something. Some days I feel like I’m honouring your memory and making you proud, but on others, I feel heavy with heartache and completely lost in this world without you. There are days where the melancholy surrounds me, where my mind is heavy, my words fail. There is pain that you will never know, caused by the absence of you.
The sadness these days grows bigger, quicker and any cries for help suddenly turn into whispers. The monsters in my head grow stronger and louder and it’s much harder to escape them. Now I’m shedding silent tears into rivers because you didn’t swim back up. I guess your ocean was so deep no one could reach you without drowning, even after I dived in not knowing whether I would sink or swim.
Recently I’ve become entangled with heartache. A shell of my old self, a ghost in my own presence. My eyes become windows to my soul, surrounded in a world left by you. Sleepless nights have crept back without notice and I spend almost all of my time feeling like i’m falling further and further away from the light. I’ve become a master of deception but it leaves me feeling like everything I do is a lie, as every day I’m the shoulder to cry on, the one to make others laugh if they need it. Does that make me an imposter in my own skin?
But just as quickly as the sadness grows, so do the fond memories of you. They are no longer intertwined with anger or pain, they flood my mind with serenity, and for brief moments, I am able to walk down memory lane with you. Its one of my favourite places to be, as we get to walk side by side as if nothing else in the world matters. But of course, I cant stay there forever, and reality drags me back kicking and screaming.
Sometimes, for brief moments, i wish death would come for me. Quietly and peacefully, so then all the pain and heartache would be lost as my soul drifts away. Would I be reunited with you? But what for all the pain and heartache that would remain? For those who show me so much love and compassion. Those who bring me strength and comfort in my darkest times. The ones who pull me out of the waters when the tides are suffocating. The suffering caused by the loss of you is enough to hurry the thoughts away.
So instead, I will continue to walk with you, until my heart feels less heavy. I will bask in our memories until my time comes to settle with you there on Memory Lane.
Love always 💛
Papersmiles 