The people we’ve lost seem stuck in a time that we’re unable to get to, no matter how hard we try. Its like being in a constant battle with time, but always being on the losing side. But what happens when you lose yourself? When you no longer have the energy or strength to dance in your own storm, so it washes you away.
You know, they say once the heart gets too heavy with pain, there are no tears to cry. They just turn quiet, desperately silent. I keep thinking this heartbreak shouldn’t still hurt as much as it does, but I’m still counting these bullet wounds from trying to get over losing you. The heaviness spreads, day to day, until when I think too much about it, I cant breathe. I guess death is not the greatest loss in life, the greatest loss is the part of us that dies whilst we’re still allowed to live. Carefully counterbalancing the scales with remembering that there will come a time that I will have to remember you for longer than I got to know you. And though you may not make it to the end of my story, I’ll always remember which chapters included you.
I’ve had to learn to let go of you little by little, piece by piece, because that way it makes it just that little bit easier. Letting go of you all at once was a task too big to comprehend, but even I know its one that must be faced. These days when I dream of you, you sometimes seem sad, staring at me, almost through me. I used to think it was because you were angry, disappointed with me for not saving you; but recently, I’ve started to think that maybe you look sad because I’ve trapped myself in the past with you, instead of moving forward into the future. Maybe you feel sorry for me. Even I feel sorry for me some days, and though I find myself moving on through life, sometimes even the strongest of people need someone to hold their hand and tell them it’s going to be ok.
But what am I afraid of? That if I move on, maybe one day I’ll find myself back enduring pain like this? Having to feel so broken for so long it all blends into one? Is it easier to stay in this constant lull, that way when it gets harder, I’m already halfway there? Or that I’ll never feel this level of sadness and pain again? Grief is only as deep as the love it’s replaced and if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
But your chapter in my book is over, and i cannot torture myself by rereading it over and over again hoping for a different ending. I’ve found that in the silence, it’s almost necessary to let things go more than I have been, simply for the reason that they are heavy. And in that silence, I now finally understand the many ways a person can die, but still be alive.
Love always x
Papersmiles 