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Being broken, but saying everything’s fine; sound familiar? As much as you want to be truthful, feeling they wouldn’t believe you if they knew the things that crossed your mind. Miles of oceans filled with beautiful lies, but even you know it would be crazy to think rainstorms end in shines.

Isn’t it funny how the fear of being perceived as a failure or weak is so strong, that you’d rather pretend everything is ok? And as long as you say the right thing and act the right way then people are happy, because they feel the burden is no longer on them. Fighting for most of your life, hiding away not feeling that comfort you so desperately crave. Feeling at one with the silence. It’s like screaming but nobody can hear it. Like you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important you feel like nothing without them.

How draining it is to still be healing from the things we dont talk about. A type of loneliness that shatters your heart. The type that caused you scars you don’t show, some that have now healed on your skin but are still embedded deep in your mind.

What a struggle it’s becoming to hide how damaged you may have become. Craving for someone to call you out, tell you they know you’re lying when you say you’re fine. For someone to look into your eyes and see the pain you’re hiding. Feeling like such a burden you almost want to apologise for even existing. Because saying it’s fine doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

How exhausting it is to feel everything and nothing all at once. To feel such pain and hurt and such emptiness and numbness at the same time. Pain, of any kind, changes people. It makes them trust less, think more and shut everyone out. I’ve always had a tendency to push away when someone pulls me in, then I helplessly wonder why people think I’m hard to reach. I only show parts of me that are safe, the parts I can control but then I lie awake at night for hours running circles in my mind, wondering why I make myself so unattainable. Do I already know the answers? Have all my insecurities finally beat me and made me impossible to love? Is it because I do everyone wrong and make them bleed? I seem to have hidden my truest and deepest feelings so well, I’ve forgotten where I placed them.

One day, you wake up and without thinking, you’ll be getting on with your day. Pottering around, completing all the tasks that need to be done, but then within a few hours it’ll hit you. Like a ton of bricks falling from above, like the sky’s come crashing down and all you feel is a weight crushing your chest. It gets harder and harder to breathe, as if the air has gotten thinner, and your lungs no longer work. On other days, you wake up like it. Feeling completely alone and defeated, as if all you deserve is to be miserable and totally and completely exhausted. People say the 3am thoughts are dangerous, but what about the ones at 3pm? The ones that flush your mind when you’re trying to go about your daily routine, but you can’t because darkness it hitting you like a hurricane and you can’t pretend to be ok anymore. It becomes impossible to express the mess your mind has become. Feeling so broken you don’t think anyone would believe you if you allowed them to see what’s running through your mind.

I’m losing myself again. Please pull me out of this train wreck. My head is in a constant fog, and the wind seems to be picking up causing quite the storm. Make the rain stop drowning me in nothing but my own thoughts. When I say that I am okay, I do not mean the kind of okay you think I do. I mean the kind of okay where every day, every moment is a struggle. I mean the kind of okay where even just breathing becomes the most difficult of tasks. I mean the kind of okay where smiles are plastered on forcefully, where laughs are faker than the people around me. Where happiness is nothing but a distant dream and sadness is but the blanket that comforts me. I mean the kind of okay which in fact, isn’t okay at all. If only you were here to save me like you did when we were young.