Truth

Every next level of your life will demand a different you, but does that mean you leave the other versions of you behind? You can’t outrun your past no matter how hard you try, it will always catch up to you. It’s the same as how we can’t drown our demons, because they know how to swim. They know how to keep us awake into the depths of the night, because that’s when we’re the most alone. That’s when the darkness almost feels familiar, and you feel it deep inside of you. There’s so much nothing, you could get lost in it, and every sound or word or voice is just background noise that you can’t quite place.

Isn’t it funny how it’s possible for the mind to be racing and a body to be physically shaking whilst also feeling so numb and empty? Every heartbeat feels like a punch to the throat, and every breath feeling like it burns my lungs. But it’s also as if I’m drowning, and when my head is underwater, that’s when I can finally breathe. Being overwhelmed with a feeling of such sadness it suffocates me like a weight crushing my chest. It hurts.

What if this is what I deserve? What if this is how life is meant to be, and this is it? What if I’m supposed to hide behind humour, fake smiles and monotonous false replies to the question “are you ok?”. I don’t want the world to see me, not the version of me that’s broken. The real me.

I sometimes feel I’m made of glass, stained with memories from the past. And as the cracks form one by one, I’m rushing around trying to fix them, to stop myself from crumbling all together. Am I broken? Am I flawed? Or am I just another lost cause trying to find the missing pieces that already broke along the way?

Now I understand why storms are named after people. I ruin everything that’s beautiful and wonderful and leave a trail of destruction behind, but for some reason you still think i’m worth saving. Everything inside of me believes its about time you say that you hate me, because I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I wonder everyday if I’m even still worthy to hold on to, or would it just be easier to let me go. Do I even deserve a shred of worth? Would I be missed if you let me go? Or would you feel at peace for all the chaos would finally be over, for I know simply that the sky will last longer than I.