Just like how the sandy beaches cant help but collide with the waves, I couldnt help but collide with you. Before we met, I’d look at the sky and there was always an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, of being awake but never alive, a feeling of being so utterly lost in this world. But you found me and brought me a sense of worth and meaning. You brought back all the colours into my life. You were gentle, and kind, and you showed me that it was possible for someone to love me more than I hated myself. You listened without judgement and guided me through the dark every time I crumbled. You saw my pain, you peered through my tired eyes and looked into my soul; you always did say a person’s eyes were a giveaway to how they really feel. But I was so blindly engrossed, your suffering grew beyond your control and you faded away.
Since the day you left, that loneliness grows a little stronger by every thought or mention of your name. So much so, that I catch myself purposely avoiding saying it, just so I can hold on to you for a little longer, as if overusing it will wear it out. It’s as if every now and then there is less air in the world, and it becomes harder and harder to breathe. I’ve almost become jealous of the old version of myself, the one who got to spend time in your company. Why is it that we must completely fall apart in order for someone to understand how hard we were trying to keep it all together?
During the deepest parts of the night I feel myself in a constant battle with anxiety, willing myself to keep control. You were always there with a shoulder when I needed it, a hand to hold, a calm voice to keep me steady. You were always with me when I was hurting, when sleep just wasn’t possible, or when nights seemed so long and full of dread, and I will forever be so thankful of that, because you understood. You understood my pain and my heartbreak. Even though I’m older now and should be better equipped to deal with the past, I know that I never would have made it without you. Now that you’re gone, I feel scared of losing that control. The words “I’m just tired” are said so often I almost start to believe my own lie, and that maybe I am just overworked and under rested. When in fact, I try to downplay everything because I dont want to sound like I’m complaining too much. The honest truth? I’m falling apart without you.
Recently the days keep feeling heavier and heavier, and the urge to drive away and not look back has become greater. Every morning there’s a split second as I wake, when there’s a glimmer of hope that it’ll be a better day, but it quickly disappears when the dark cloud returns to take away the idea of sunlight. Sometimes I wish certain people could read my thoughts, so they could see what I’m too scared to admit or say. But then what would they think of me? When they see what I see and feel what I feel. Would they think me insane? Would they be disappointed that I once again have fallen into the trap that is my own mind, after working so hard to get out the last time? Instead it’s easier to stay silent. When there’s silence, that’s when it hurts the most. Feeling tongue tied, but screaming on the inside. Because sometimes the things that cause the most pain are the things that are the hardest to put into words. So I try my hardest to remove the sadness; But how can you remove sadness when you don’t know where it ends and I begin?
It almost feels like fighting to live in a body, battling every single day to survive, against a mind that’s working it’s hardest against you. I guess that’s how you felt too, and the battle became one you could no longer fight. I guess I’m fighting it for the both of us now. And with each passing day I know you’re with me, holding on, trying to guide me through to the other side. I just hope each day might bring a brighter tomorrow.
Love and miss you as always x
Papersmiles 