Thinking is human nature. We get tunnel vision and only see the things that support our preconceived notions of ourselves. In the words of perks of being a wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” We see what we want to see, we believe what we want to hear, but do we feel what we want to feel? There is no control over where our mind goes, be it at 2pm on a sunny Friday afternoon or at 2am in the depths of the night. There is no way of making yourself feel something, or nothing for that matter. Sometimes, there’s just nothing. You reach inside, trying to pull out the words to make it all pretty, but fail miserably. The silence is the worst part, it soothes you and kills you and saves you all at once, but if you unclench your hands and let it all go, you fear you’ll have nothing left to say.
When certain thoughts don’t leave you alone, it can be exhausting. It feels like there’s a constant cloud hanging over you, on the verge of rain. But maybe walking in the rain will allow you to drown in something other than your own thoughts. People say “if you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop until you get it”, but how does that work in matters of the heart? We get the most confused when we try to convince our heads something our hearts know is a lie. From then on, its a spiral. A never ending battle between a million thoughts all at the same time. Your anxiety rises, you feel your soul plummet back into that silence, aching for someone just to hold you and bring you back.
If you ever want to know the truth about how someone feels, look into their eyes. People have developed an outstanding ability to deceive even the closest ones to them, but the eyes never lie. They allow you to see the sadness and exhaustion behind someone’s smile, especially on those days where the melancholy settles like a change in the weather. The kind of sadness that is intangible. Like the presence of an ache where you cant pinpoint exactly where it hurts, you just know it does. Your heart cries but your eyes remain dry.
I guess the upside of being able to hide pain so well is how easy it is to see it in others. So much so that you tend to forget all about how your head and your heart set one another on fire, because you’re focused on fixing the problem you see in front of you. So maybe be the person you needed to sit with you in silence, to listen to your thoughts or just hold you whilst you cried. Be the person that asks the difficult questions because chances are, you’ll get an honest answer. Be the one who asks how they’re eating and sleeping and functioning from day to day. Be that person, be the one you wished you had. Be a better you. Maybe then they’ll notice, and catch your soul before it shatters.
Papersmiles 