Hey. I miss you. It’s four years today since you left, and I cant believe time’s flown by so quickly. I’m sorry its taken me so long to write to you, I’ve often gone to do so but words always fail me. But today I sense I need to, because I don’t feel you around as much anymore. Each year this day comes and goes, and my heart breaks every time, wishing you were still here. After you left, I still felt you around me. Heard your voice in the wind, saw your silhouette in every shadow, expected to see you around every corner. But recently I’ve been so lost inside my own mind that I forgot to think about your presence. Its the worst part of losing someone, life just simply goes on. Life has gone on without you; it doesnt feel right, yet time stops for no one. So please forgive me.
I’ve asked you for forgiveness numerous times over these past four years, starting with the night you left, and every day since. Asking you to forgive me for not being there, for not getting to you fast enough. After that I was so angry for so long. Angry at myself for not being the person you needed me to be, but also angry at you for leaving. For leaving me behind and making me feel grief like I’ve never felt before. The kind that took my breath away every time I thought of you, the kind that made every happy memory I had of us disappear under a heavy cloud of pain and anger. It felt like there was no air left in the world, and then all of a sudden I was so tired of trying to breathe. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had. And now without you, I feel like whenever I fall apart, I do it without anyone noticing. Its the worst kind of sad. The kind where you try to ignore it but then it gets so bad that one day you just break down. Nothing feels right anymore, and you lose yourself. It can occur so very quietly as if it was nothing, and no other loss can happen so silently. I didn’t mean to be so angry with you, so please, forgive me.
There’s no one else in the world like you. No other soul among the 8 billion out there on this earth, is as tightly bound to me as yours. You were so patient and kind and honest, and you were always there, even when I pushed you away. Isnt it the most ironic thing that you’re the one I need to help me get over losing you? Sometimes I get so scared about letting someone close to me, because I dont want to get attached and then feel the pain of them leaving. I dont like the way you left, the way we said goodbye. I dont like that you were alone and scared, and I wasn’t there. So please, forgive me.
I still talk to your parents often, and I go see them whenever I can, but I know I should do more. Your mum of course, says it’s ok and she understands, but I wish things were different. Whenever I’m with them I feel so close to you; I wish I could feel that all the time. I came to see you a few weeks ago, brought you some fresh flowers, sat with you a while. I miss talking like we used to, I miss your voice, your laugh. I miss your wise words of wisdom and your judgemental face whenever I did something you warned me not to, but then the warmth of your smile as you comforted me. That’s what I miss the most about you, the way you always knew what to say, how no matter what was going on in your world you always had the time to stop mine from crumbling. So much so that yours broke unnoticed. So please, forgive me.
Losing you is one of the hardest things that’s happened to me, and every day is harder than the last because it’s another day without you. I always think and wonder where you’d be now if you were still here, what you’d be doing, who you would’ve become. And I know you would’ve been as amazing as ever, trying to fix everyone who you found to be hurting. We used to talk about our futures as if we had forever and a day, and even though our forever ended that day, I still carry you with me always, and I will always love you. But I will never love you as much as I miss you, so please, forgive me.
Speak soon 💛
Papersmiles 