Choices

We live, we die. That’s the only certain thing in life, right?

What if we had the choice? I guess we do, in a way, have a choice, but its never really that simple. Most people will cruise through life hitting the odd bump in the road every now and then, maybe have their heart broken. Others are the ones who take more than their fair share of traumas and heartache, the ones who have felt more pain than they thought they ever would; these are the tragedy magnets. Being in the latter category can drain the life out of you if you let it. It can tear you apart and leave you a broken shadow of your former self. I’ve recently become a slave to heartache, and forgotten how to love the most important person. Myself. It’s like I’ve been dancing in the fire for so long, i’m used to the heat, and getting out is much harder than staying. Sleepless nights and random moments of tears can really beat you to your knees, pleading for a moment of clarity where there’s no need to think about anything or anyone else. These moments seem to occur less frequently these days, as my mind keeps delving deeper into wild thoughts, drowning almost.

There’s a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Its a fine line, but still, a difference. You could be completely content with being home alone, watching your favourite Netflix documentary, but then you could walk into a room full of people and feel completely lonely. When these two combine, its difficult to change the cycle once you’re in it. The constant battle of wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely, and having everything fade into one until you don’t even know which is which anymore.

So you see the choice is never simple. Its never a clear cut yes or no. Maybe you’re trying to keep your head above the water or maybe you’re just so used to the heat and so lost in the smoke that you’ve forgotten what the water feels like.