Grief. Its something you always knew existed but never thought to process until you had to. And when you do, you’re so unprepared for the amount of pain it brings, you’re torn into a million pieces. All it takes is one day, one moment, one word, and everything changes forever.
I remember all the things we wanted, all the times spent together dreaming about our futures. And I’m stuck thinking about those times, questioning if I missed something. Now only shadows settle on the places you left, and my mind is constantly troubled by the emptiness. We were reckless in our youth, chasing visions of our futures because we thought we had forever, but forever was over before we got the chance.
Now, all the memories are haunted, your words ringing in my head from when you broke my chest. That night will always be intertwined with our memories, the night you left. For such a long time, it made it harder to look back and remember all the good times, everything was tangled into one and every time I remembered your smile or your laugh, I also remembered your tears and your heartbreak. I was there. Every tear, every heartache, every scar. I was there. Talking you down from a ledge or the edge of a blade became something of a norm, so much so that I started to believe that that’s what life was meant to be like, full of sleepless nights worrying and countless hours of praying you would still be there the next morning.
I’ve never believed that time is a healer. After you left, every day, hour, minute was a build up of the time that you had been gone, and a constant reminder that you werent coming back. The night you left, time was what beat me. I couldnt get to you fast enough, and time took you away. The sound of my fist banging your door in the deep of night still echoes in my nightmares, like a ticking clock. The seconds felt like minutes, and the minutes felt like hours, but I knew the moment you didnt respond that time had already taken you. I was helpless, curled up into a hopeless heap, weeping as time passed so slowly whilst everyone around me was going double the speed.
Most hearts are broken over someone, and we set fire to our insides for fun, trying to distract ourselves from feeling. Even now, after time has passed, my heart aches writing about you. From what I’ve seen so far, the good ones always seem to break, mostly whilst they are slowly gluing back together someone else’s broken pieces. Life isnt a movie, or a Katy Perry song, so we must count our blessings while we can, while we have people to lean on, because sooner or later, you will be torn into those million pieces. Because grief grabbed you by the ankles, and weighed you down to earth with the longing and the constant thoughts of what ifs.
I guess we were always meant to say goodbye
x
Papersmiles 