Everyone always seems to be too scared to ask what depression feels like. When the truth is, if you asked, I would be as honest as I possibly can. I would do my best to explain.
Depression is like drowning, but you see everyone around you breathing fine. Its like walking against the strongest current, giving it everything you’ve got. People on the banks are telling you to just get out of the water, but instead of helping you, they just walk away leaving you there. You finally get to a rock that you can hold on to a rest for a little while, but soon enough that rock fades away and just lets you go, leaving you there to drown. Then you’re stuck, being pushed back even further, trying to fight even harder. And nothing is worse, than doing everything you can to stay upright, when everything is telling you how much easier it would be just to let the water take you.
Depression is scary. It’s terrifying. Waking up in the middle of the night, crying, shaking with terror, feeling like you’re not safe in your own room, in your own mind. One of the worst things, is trying to get people to understand that you cant just get over it, or just move on. It’s a mental illness, exactly like a physical illness. You cant get over or move on from an infection or a broken bone. But when you try and talk to someone about it and they tell you to just to get over it, or its just a bad day, that’s when it’s get harder. Because you know that it’s not just a bad day, because you know that it took a lot for you to even try and talk to that person to begin with, and now it’s gonna be even harder to try again. So you dont. You dont try again, and that’s where the cycle begins. Everything stays inside your head and grows and gets worse, because you know you wont be able to handle another rejection.
The next time you do muster up the courage to try and tell someone your thoughts, you’re worried that all they’ll see is a weak figure in front of them, especially as all you’ve done for the entire time you’ve known them, is be the one who seems to have their entire life together. So you start small, tell them you had a bad day, or tell them you’re tired, when in fact you want to scream for help. Tell them how it feels like your whole world is falling apart, and you can’t juggle the pieces anymore. You say how you’ve had a little trouble sleeping when in fact you’ve barely slept a couple hours a night for days. You test the waters little by little, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who’ll understand you. Someone who’ll gather all your little broken parts and instead of throwing them away, stay by your side and try to help you fix them.
So if you want the truth, then just ask. Because honestly, all I want to do is to be able to tell everyone all about it without the fear of being judged or abandoned, or the fear of being seen as weak or needy. So just make things a little easier, just ask.
Papersmiles 